Some Favourite Quotes from 2009

"He is such an awkward turtle" -- Olivia Wiebe

"Dear God, not impressed"

"A hundred legs, that's why it's called a millipede"--Zack Reimer

"I would like to have a good trip on mushrooms" -- Anonymous

"I feel like we're squirrels" -- Val Kipfer

--Boy:"You guys should come over, it's sausage feast in my room"
-- Julia Labrie: "Well, I don't really like sausage"

"I know I won't become a nun overnight but..." -- Aaron Robertson

"I don't think I've ever had french toast made with eggs before" -- Brad Wall

"Rush hour is like life in the trenches"

"Wow! I don't think I've ever held a cup in my left hand before!" -- Travis Braun

"Who do you think named the reindeer? Santa probably steals them and names them. All the reindeer parents are like 'I want his name to be Paul', but Santa's like 'too bad, it's dancer!" -- Brianna Elderhorst

"____'s relationship is like a running a red light. She can get away with it when no one's around and no one's watching. But if she gets in the habit of it, she's going to have a problem." -- deepness from Laurel

"It's not just offensively different, it's also annoying!" -- Brianna Elderhorst

"He proach. Past tense of preach. I kinda think that's word." -- Olivia Wiebe

If you swam across Lake Ontario, can you imagine playing two truths and a lie at camp? You would get so many points!!!" -- Val Kipfer

In Times of Heartache

There are times when its easy to believe that everything has a purpose and that everything happens for a reason. And there are other times when no reason is good enough and no bigger purpose can be seen. Times when life sucks and shit just happens. There are times when I think I know God, times when I think I know God's plan and I know where he's going with this world. Other times I have a hard time believing there is a plan at all. Its not that i have a hard time believing there's a God. I know there's a God. Sometimes I just can't figure out why God gives and takes away in such quick succession. Why would God begin working a miracle, only to let it end in disaster?

Hearts Can Break at Christmas Too

Joy to the world
It's a beautiful night
The trees all dressed up in green and red lights
The very first snowfall
As people deck their halls
It's peaceful and lovely I'm told
And yet there's a heartbeat outside
Shivering alone in the cold
Still, as a statue of ice
Like someone has taken his soul
And I wonder if anyone sees
And I wonder if anyone knows

It's harder to sing when you can't find a reason
It's harder to smile with no hope for the season
You try but can't follow through
The whole world consumed with the getting and giving
Forget all the others concerned with just living
What's it matter when its not you
Hearts can break at Christmas too

Oh holy night
The moon like a searchlight
Blinding her on her way home
There's no on inside
And she doesn't know why
Someones missing and she cries alone
And I wonder if anyone hears
And I wonder if anyone knows

It's harder to sing when you can't find a reason
It's harder to smile without hope for the season
You try but can't follow through
The whole world consumed with the getting and giving
Forget all the others concerned with just living
What's it matter when its not you
Hearts can break at Christmas too

On Christmas Eve who's ever thinking of tears
And those who are facing their fears
I never did until it was me

It's harder to sing when you can't find a reason
It's harder to smile without hope for the season
And I'm missing you
I'm missing your smile and I miss your heart beating
I'm missing your eyes and the warmth of your greeting
And I don't know what to do
Hearts can break at Christmas
Make mistakes at Christmas
Hearts they break at Christmas too

November Dream Journal

November 1st-- I was on the cruise, we were in Thailand. I was walking underneath the overhang of a low roof while little children on the roof threw shoes and balls of rice at all the tourists. We passed a huge tree and there were children things from up the tree too.
-- I was riding around in the back seat of a brand new pink, mustang convertible that could seat 7. Cody, Mike and I were seated on top of the trunk with our legs in the back seat, and everyone was singing as we drove around
-- Brandon was recording music from a crosswalk near his house. Brandon, Ben, Joel and I were each at one corner, playing an instrument or singing. The acoustics were better there.
November 3rd -- At youth for Halloween we went to this rock formation on a cliff called the onion
-- Brandon and I were driving around in a special constable car looking for mischief on Halloween. We came across from talking flowers who had needles they were threatening us with. Then I was chased by three flowers who were shooting rockets at me
-- I was planning to borrow a dress from Olivia for my University graduation but I broke out in hives all over my face
November 4th -- I was going on a cruise with Travis and my French professor. We were in a huge rush and I only had time to pack a plastic bag full of clothes
November 10th -- The world was expecting a giant storm. Many people were outside when the giant tornado came through paralyzing everything in its path and dropping the temperature to below freezing. Myself and my whole family survive and I am able to save a baby boy named Tyler by warming him with my body heat.
-- Dylan, Hannah, and I are on an iceberg and I'm afraid to fall off because I'm weighted down by a hatchet and I'm scared to sink
November 12th -- Mrs. Wiebe was selling coach purses out of her house. Then Rihanna called her and asked for the day off
November 15th -- Stef and I both had newborn baby girls. I was carrying both of them when we took them to a pool. My baby was heavier so I didn't notice when Stef's baby accidentally fell into the pool. Then I put my baby down and leaped into the pool but I couldn't get to Stef's baby right away because I was wearing a life jacket.
November 20th -- The new fad was to go on a trip and travel to islands that begin with all the letters of your first name
November 24th -- I stole Josh and Jordan's car and took many pictures to prove it.
November 29th -- I went shoe shopping and my feet fit into a size 9, black stiletto with room to spare, great dream!

All the Small Things

We're both overreacting, and misinterpreting almost everything. The difference is, you know nothing, and I have the whole picture. So who's the bigger idiot? Don't answer that.

Helplessness

These words means nothing
Intention missing
And I can't help you
I can only listen while you speak excuses and denial
Just one casualty
A war not my own
My smile a grimace
An act not condoned by me or anymore who cares
I promise I'm calm
For you, for now
Thought I could help
But I was very very wrong
The iceberg's tip
All you can see
But I'm underwater
With the other 93 percent of it
Stop.

This is Like a Metaphor

I've never had my heart truly broken. I'll admit to my inability to claim relation to that degree of emotional pain. I've never had my heart ripped in two or had a hole burned through it. The most I can claim is that pieces have slowly been chipped away. It is slowly being whittled down, chiseled away at the edges. The first few chips came off easy, almost naturally. Any severe pain was likely imagined. When exfoliating your skin, it is refreshing and necessary for a layer to come off. Maybe my heart needed to be exfoliated. Maybe that was healthy. However, as more of my heart is slowly chipped at, it seems more raw. I am scraped and it almost draws blood. Legitimate discomfort, hints of pain. Hearts are glass. When broken, the glass shatters, and all the tiny pieces sparkles with a strange beauty, and the glass is still glass. My heart feels like it's been tossed about in an ocean. Slowly being sanded down. Gradually being eroded. When it washes up on shore and someone cares to look, it is hardly recognizable. Smooth and opaque, more closely resembling stone. So I believe this is a different kind of misfortune all together. It cannot be called a heartbreak, although my heart hurts. It is not a deep stab or a clean break. It is more of a constant throbbing shallow wound. When a bone breaks it must be reset, sometimes painfully and immobilized for a period of time. But then it can heal, practically as good as before. With this throbbing, like a headache, all that can be done is pop a painkiller and know that the ache will always come back. My heart is a piece of wood being carved, how long until it is finished? My heart is scraped, how many more layers until I start to bleed? My heart is a rock, how long until I can't tell the difference? My heart is a headache, how long until the next wave?

to be released of pressure, an outlet (venting)

How amazing is that? The person I sometimes can't stand is also the person I can't stand to stay away from. It's kind of like an addiction. I know it will screw me over in the ending, it's like smoking, what good can ever come of it? But it's too hard to fight the pull back to it right now. It's kind of like McDonalds, or your favourite childhood restaurant. The food is terrible, nutritionally and otherwise, but you still get these cravings that must be satisfied. Only to realize once they're satisfied, that it really wasn't worth the rotting stomach feeling you get a few hours afterwards. This is how I feel about you. I am sorry I will never be the best for you. I am sorry I can't win your praise and approval by being the best at anything. You refuse to acknowledge mediocrity, and I guess I have always fallen into that category. That is part of the problem. You categorize people and you are bad at it. You are especially bad at getting an accurate reading from girls. You have never gotten an accurate reading on me, but you're convinced otherwise. I am not any of the things you have once classified me as. I am not uptight, or lazy, or desperate or needy. I am not in love, or seeking your love. I don't need your approval. Acceptance would be nice though. That would be possible if you accept the fact that you are wrong about a few things. Not likely, I know. I also know how your life is going to play out. Because I, unlike you am quite good at reading people. Because I, unlike you take the time to understand. Did you ever notice who dominates the conversation? Did you ever once reciprocate a question out of more than politeness? I think you are going to meet a girl in a few years. She is going to be too good for you on so many levels. She is not going to be interested in you and that's going throw you for a loop. So you're going to have to work really hard to show her that you're a worthwhile guy. You're going to try to impress her, and you're going to embarrass yourself in the process. And somewhere along the way you're going to discover humility, and you're going to start putting her before yourself. In time, she'll see she loves you back. You'll continually ask yourself how you ever got so lucky, and you both will live happily ever after. I'll give it 7 years max for it to all play out. I'll be expecting a wedding invitation. You can thank me later. I think I would be considerably less frustrated with you if you changed a few things. If your actions lined up with your rock solid convictions that would be good. If you let the Sun be at the centre of the solar system for a minute that would be excellent. And if you could take the 2 by 4 out of your own eye that would be great so then I wouldn't have to worry about getting slivers when I am around you. But seeing as how you will not change until my former prediction comes true, I will just keep loving you for who you are and giving in to the overwhelming urge to spend time with you.

October Dream Journal

October 7th - Joel and I were being chased around the breezeway of our house by a rattlesnake that looked like a garter snake. We cut off it's head, but then it's head kept jumping up and trying to bite us

October 18th - I got a $6 haircut that made my hair naturally curl into barrel curls. I got the haircut while sitting in my Dad's office in his chair

October 21st - Laurel hacked my Facebook account and sent all my contacts messages in French

October 22nd-Bobby and Tracey drove around 5 children without booster seats
- Jeremy tries out for school entertainer and must juggle balloons and slide across a linoleum floor
- Cam, Bobby, Joel and I are in the upstairs of my old church building. We find an old lady dressed as a clown playing guitar in the corner

October 23rd - Val and I were lectured because we rolled our eyes
- Andrew Hiebert, Olivia, Taylor Lautner, Val and I were being screened at the YMCA to become lifeguards. Part of the screening involved going yo a department store and putting different coloured tape on the support columns to show were different swim classes should meet.

Fighting the Rose Coloured Glasses

I don't like this person. I don't like this version of myself. I feel weak, anxious, dependent, self conscious. Nothing like who I really am or want to be.

I finally realized something. Nothing that happens here ever means anything. Sure maybe at the time, maybe in that brief moment there is something more than nothing. But that's because it's easy. It's all way too easy here. Where the days feel like weeks and friendships blossom overnight. But out there in the world outside the bubble, everything is lost. A spark dies, a meaning fades and the best intentions...well we all know what those pave the road to. Words mean nothing when someone hold a gun to you head. Falling in love is easy on an island. But when the pressure is gone and that boat returns to take you back to the mainland of reality, then all the complications of life get in the way. And for whatever reason, those complications make it not worth it, not worth the fight. Maybe that's true. Maybe without the rose coloured glasses it's obvious that this is hopeless. Maybe pursuing the idea is futile. But I refuse to really believe that. I refuse to give up on the possibilities of life. I will not accept difficulty as an excuse. Difficulty is inevitable, not a justification for giving up. No, I refuse to give up hope. Maybe that's pathetic. they say hindsight is 20/20. I don't think I'm quite seeing clearly yet. My eyes are still watching the island as it disappears in the waves.

Sunrise has Yet to Come

What a wonderful new distraction. A renewed dream but also a reoccurring nightmare. I thought I was looking at the slowly dying embers from a fire that I never got to experience. I felt like i was switching the radio and only catching the last few notes of a favourite song. But maybe this is the complete opposite, Maybe these are the shooting stars that proceed the meteor shower. Maybe I am only seeing the pilot episode. Unfortunately the best thing I can do for you right now is lie. The last thing you need to know is the truth. The truth could probably make my dreams come true, but it wouldn't last. It never seems to last when it's too easy. This looks like a movie, but forever in Hollywood is not long enough for me. As the sun sets on a dark lake my honesty dies with it. Somehow it is easier to be vulnerable in the dark. To not face an expression of judgement. In the darkness these words are enough to hide the truth in my eyes. Like a chess match, white leads, black follows. Sunrise, sunset. Light will return. I'm not sure what it will bring. Your move. All will be revealed at the sunrise.

7 Months Time

In a small clay box in my room there is a ring. A small ring with a tiny diamond in between two ribbons of gold. It is tasteful and pretty and expensive, and a symbol of something I never ever want. One beautiful ring gathering dust inside an ugly dark grey container. A reminder of what happens when two people fall for each other, too soon, too fast, too much. A symbol of a lost touch with reality, when people lose a part of themselves, or give too much away. This is what happens when people make promises they can't keep. A broken promise and a ring. Left with nothing but a ring which is tainted with heartbreak, tears, confusion, anger, depression, lies, drugs, pain, hate, and numbness. The ring is not mine. It has absolutely nothing to do with me. The question is: How long until that ring becomes just a ring again? 1 month? 1 year? When does it change from a symbol of bitterness to a symbol of beauty? A memory of what was. a reminder of what went wrong and a hope for what will be again. Then and only then will I return the ring that was entrusted to me. I am waiting, and so is she.

For Real

I miss you. A strange ridiculous amount. I don't know where that feeling is coming from. I have no explanation. But I miss you alot.

September Dream Journal

Sept. 12th - I went to the library and found alot of books written by an author with the last name Ten Brinke

Sept. 15th - My mother tried to convince me to buy clear lip gloss but I already had some

Sept 18th - (busy night for my subconscious) Hannah and I tried to clean chalk boards with white board erasers, after that fails we switched to using rags
- Hannah and I are part of this blind date set up thing. Hannah is really upset/confused about it because she thinks we're being forced into prostitution. I get paired up with this tall, blond curly haired boy named Crosby. We just lied on the daybed in Linnea's basement and talked. Then at the end of the night all the couples met up and rolled down a hill.
- I met this girl with bleach blond hair who went into this incredible ice cream shop and ordered an iced tea latte

Sept. 22nd - Julia and I replaced the cushions on the couch in our apartment

Sept. 24th - I was a cabin leader for kids week. Each cabin was given a name, ours was The Sunglasses. Governor Simcoe High School was having a retreat at camp and were being mean to my campers. Jesse (who was wearing a brown wig) had a really young sister who was in my cabin

Sept. 26th - Val told Laurel and and me that if we were Reese Peanut Butter cups, we would be the biggest Reese Peanut Butter Cups in the world. It was meant as a compliment

Sept. 28th - Jeremy and Lisa were calling my cellphone non-stop

Sept. 30th - My parents wanted to sell our old house and move into a smaller one without a pool for no good reason. I was really really upset

A Different Kind of Rescue Mission

I don't care who you are, or where you came form, or who you know or where you're going. I don't care if your white or black, poor or rich, tall or short. Beneath all of that we all want the same things. We all want love, acceptance, value, purpose, friendship, happiness and something to believe in. And when we're lost, a part of us cries out in desperation for those things. But when we're lost the things we find there aren't what we're really looking for. They're only shadows, silhouettes of the real things, ghosts and distorted images of the truth. I think that's what you're seeing right now. You, beautiful, smart, talented, lost. Nourishing yourself on drama and alcohol, and sobering up just in time for synagogue on Saturday. You're reaching out and grasping smoke, no wonder you're unsatisfied. And you, handsome, honest, intelligent, lost. Stuck in Catholic school against your wishes. Now you couldn't care less whether we evolved or were created because no matter what you don't care and you don't need a god telling you how to live your life. You have never known God. You have never been able to see him in your life, in your world. You have rendered yourself deaf and blind to God. But he hears you, and he sees you better than you can imagine. And he hears that small part of you crying out for help because everyone wants something to believe in. Even if you don't know it yet. Something to hope in, something to trust in. Maybe one day you'll see that the drugs don't fix that. And just so you know, i see you too, and I am listening, waiting to show you another way. I will walk through the smoke and shadows and confusion holding a light that pierces the deepest expanses to find you. But I need you to give me your hand, and trust me. And then when we find our way back I will tell you about he who is above all the darkness and restlessness and hopelessness, and that it was he who led you back here. And then you will have to make a choice. I hope you choose to walk in the light. I hope you choose truth and love and acceptance. Purpose, value, friendship, joy.

Hot Air Balloons

On a hot summer evening in August, a soft warm breeze sweeps across the backyard as dusk rolls in. A little girl with curly sandy blond hair plays hide and seek in an evergreen tree, as her grandparents pretend to thoroughly search the rest of the yard. Her brother hides next to the vegetable garden, his white and navy striped overalls clearly visible through the tomato vines. His small little body suddenly gets to its feet. the little girl uselessly motions for him to stay hidden. He points to the sky and a grin spreads across his round face. Curiosity overtakes his sister, who pushes her way through the pine branches to look at the sky. Off in the distance, high above the houses and trees float three hot air balloons. The little girl settles herself down on the grass, and her thoughts soar up as high as the balloons. her grandparents wander over, secretly thankful for the change of entertainment.

Age is a funny thing. The old and the young often think alike. When we are young our thoughts and understanding are very simplistic. At some point after that life makes things more complicated for us, or perhaps we make life more complicated. But as we near the end, we somehow find that simplicity again.

Time to go inside, as the balloons drift out of sight. The brown eyes of a girl and boy watch them for as long as possible even after the screen door is closed behind them.

13 years later, a tall girl with sandy blond hair climbs the ten flights of stairs up to her university apartment. Another tuition payment is due, her roommates keep her up all night, she's overwhelmed with school work, and although she'd never admit it, she's beginning to miss home. Four floors up she looks out a small window. Perfectly framed in the soft orange sky floats one hot air balloon.

Fun

Cans and bottles cover the lawn. Clouds of smoke create a layer of smog blocking out all fresh air from being let into the house. Everybody smells, nobody notices. You go with a bunch of people, you meet a bunch more, but you come out of it knowing no one. Sirens go off in the distance, an ambulance streaks by. Another one down. Respect goes out the window along with the empties. Fake relationships abound. You may be broke but this is worth spending money on. You may be failing but this takes priority. You may be depressed and think this is the solution. You may be lonely and have found this will effectively fill the void. You are lost and this looks like a promising direction to take. This is more important than school, having a good reputation, or keeping a job. You have found no better way to cope with life. This is where all your problems stem from and where all your problems have led you back to. As early morning approaches people leave in pairs. What a romantic first time. The washrooms look and smell like a warzone. There is an almost constant flash of red and blue lights, and the blare of a siren. Eyes are glazing over, Inhibitions are giving way. Footsteps are becoming unsteady. Lungs are filling with smoke. Tires screech. Something slips into a glass of what was just water. Someone is handcuffed, someone else on a stretcher. And all of this somehow seems so funny to you. Fun enough to do every night. Fun enough to plan your life around. Fun enough to surrender control of your life. So much fun you don''t even know what's happening. And as I walk away down the sidewalk, the loud bass still rumbling a block over, I pity those who have nothing else to live for tonight.

News

There's a drawing on the wall in my room. It's a road with two sets of footprints. A white set and a black set. The pairs of footprints begin side by side, but then the black pair begin to veer off followed by the white pair until the edge of the path when the black pair continue off but the white pair goes back to the middle of the path. Next to the picture there are words....

"I stand here and watch you walk away. The tears run down my face because I know I cannot take the same path. You've tried this path before. Sometimes i could pull you back, keep you safe; but not this time. I yell "Come back!" over and over, but you don't even turn around. I fall to my knees knowing I will have to get back up and continue on without you. But I will pray, and there will always be a place next to me on the road saved for you."

2 years ago i drew that picture and wrote that caption, and there are days when I feel like we're still those two people. Black vs. white, fighting the same battles we were then and being separated. But then there are other days, much much better days, and today is one of those days. If I were to re-draw that picture today it would have a third set of smaller footprints in the middle. The steps would be taken together, side by side. If I got ambitious and added the people to whom the footprints belong, they would be holding hands. Joined together permanently on this life journey by a new life. If i were to write a different caption it would read....

"Hope baby rocks your world. Hope your whole life changes and you embrace it. I hope you laugh alot. I hope you work through the tough stuff. I hope you learn from this child and I hope you live the kind of life for them to look up to. I hope you chose the right godmother. Here's to staying connected the rest of our lives. I love you. "

Well life, that was a new one. That's so typical of me, thinking I've got this all mapped out...false. A wise woman once described her life to me like this, "I always envisioned my life as this one path that encounters all my goals and dreams. But I've found that you spend alot more time on detours and scenic routes. Every so often you hit the main road again, but just for long enough to see that you're on the right track". I'm not too sure what the right track is anymore. Or whether I'm on it or on a detour. I probably just need some perspective. Dear God, road map please? At least I've gotten good at following my own advice; one of my favourite quotes is, "Let life surprise you". Check, I'm surprised. But I'm happy mostly, honoured, overwhelmed to be honest. It's good to know that not everybody takes you for granted. That friendship and love still wield power in many ways. Even though there were tough times, even though there will be tougher times, it's nice to know that God keeps his promises. "All things work together for good for those who love the Lord" Romans 8:28

August Dream Journal

August 1st - Was on our boat, passing the entrance to the canal. Watched an enormous cargo ship pitch and dive through enormous waves.

August 4th - Ben F. got swine flu while at camp. I went to the hospital to visit, and it was decided that i should sleep at the hospital instead of camp.

August 15th - Kyle K. started washing dishes in a bin outside of camp's dining hall\
- There were 2 rows of 5 single person tents. Vicki, myself, Cordy, Jesse, and other crossroads staff played a game to decide got which tent.

A No Pants, Pick Your Own Adventure, Adventure!

Start. Left. Left. Onto the tractor. Off of the tractor. Backwards straight. Forwards left. Veer down path. Leap over yellow rope. Backwards straight onto dock. Backwards left. Forwards right. Backwards massage chain right. Forward leap off of dock. Roll under yellow rope. Left. Limbo under volleyball nets. Right. Ninja vanish. Ninja return. Around the ark. Through the train. Veer right. Into dining hall. Down stairs. Detour to mailboxes. Navigate through catacombs. Left out back door. Left. Onto George's truck. Off George's truck. Grapevine straight. Side skip over benches. Straight. Right. Failure to open garage. Set off motion sensing light. Onto school bus roof. Krista and Josh debate jumping off of bus. Krista jumps off of bus. Krista on ground clutching ankle. Josh safely off bus. Krista up. Everyone else safely off bus. Back to dining hall. End

In the Forest

It is not okay. None of it is okay. An intervention is in order, but I'm not sure it should be coming from me. It's like an addiction, and I promise I've been there. This is not healthy or beneficial in anyway. I wish I could say that it is. In the end, all you've done is wasted your time . I've done it on countless occasions. I hope we'll both be wiser when next time rolls around. It's depressing and pessimistic, and real. This is not the right time. I hate to tell you to do more waiting. I know it's all we ever do. Please don't forget to live in the meantime. Don't fall into bitterness or self pity. Remember that harsh, moody writing isn't for everyone. I wish I could make this easier for you, for both of us. But we'll just continue to hack our way through the forest of unknowns. And in this magical forest there are sometimes when the shadows confuse you. There are times you get lost and walk hopelessly in circles. Sometimes you follow a previously marked path that leads to a disastrous dead end. But keep looking for that clearing somewhere in the middle of the forest where the trees are less dense, and the sun's hope can reach you. It's a journey we each have to make on our own. Best of luck.

July Dream Journal

July 2nd -- I was told that I was too old to wear rings on my fingers and that I should upgrade to toe rings.
-- Attended a Disney Princess fashion show and intense jealousy surged through me.

July 6th -- Dreamt I was in a shooting in the middle of Costco. Travis was shooting at me with a pellet gun

July 14th -- Sitting on the edge of a pool, Adam Epp asks me what happens when we die.

July 25th -- Jordan's dad died. Jordan and I start dating. He sends me 18 text messages of "<3".
-- Walked outside in the morning to see the most amazing orange/magenta sunrise.

Slow Reader

I'm so thrilled this happened. I'm so glad that what I've said to you all along was proven true. It's not fair that you had so little time. It's not fair the way it ended. But life isn't fair, and taking that into consideration, I feel you got a pretty reasonable slice of happiness. I wish you could have more. I wish I could make it happen. And even though there is a part of my heart that is consumed with envy, the overwhelming emotion I have is joy for you. Joy because of what this has done in you. This had made you realize that there is always hope. That attaining happiness is possible. It's one "never have I ever" that you can cross off the list. I truly hope your patience through this is rewarded. We've been through alot together. Now I feel like you're one or two pages ahead of me in the book of life. Maybe I'm just a slow reader, but you can watch my reaction when I get to the good part. And I have faith that it's coming, that it's already here. I don't want to look back on life and think "Wow, those were the best days of my life". I don't ever want to wish I could go back in time. Right now, these days are the best days. Everyday can get better, because we're each writing the stories of our own lives. So maybe I'm just a slow writer.

For Her

He walks away as the rain falls down
Only one thing you say that will stop him now
The words all get lost on the tip of your tongue
And I promise you you're not the only one

A brief span of time, a brief lapse of heart
It's too bad the end could be seen from the start
You've loved and you've lost in this war without guns
And I promise you you're not the only one

A month passes by and all logic is lost
You try to hold on but it's not worth the cost
Now you wait for the time when your fight can be won
And I promise you you're not the only one

Beginning of a Bucket List

1. Scuba Diving (check January 3rd 2011)
2. Para-Sailing (check January 1st 2011)
3. Travel Europe
- Netherlands (check Summer 2013)
- England (check Spring 2013)
- France (check Spring/Summer 2013)
- Germany
- Italy
- Greece
- Austria
- Poland
- Ireland
- Spain
4. Ride a Motorcycle (check August 1st 2009)
5. Record a Song
6. Have a piece of writing published
7. Pull an all-nighter
8. Canter on a horse
9. Paint my bedroom red
10. Learn to wakeboard (check- August 2nd 2010)
11. Sleep in a castle
12. Learn Guitar
13. Ski down a real mountain (BC, Quebec, States?) (check Quebec Feb. 2015)
14. Learn drums
15. Vacation somewhere tropical in the winter (check December 19-27 2009)
16. Swim across Lake Erie (check: July 12th 2015)
17. Learn to drive standard (check: tractor-summer 2010, car-December 4th 2010)
18. Skydive
19. Save a life
20. Own a Mustang convertible
21. Become a principal
22. Get married
23. Learn how to golf
24. Hang-glide
25. Take a hot air balloon ride
26. Travel Africa
- Egypt
- Uganda
- South Africa
- Morocco
27. See a total lunar eclipse (check September 27th 2015)
28. Hike to Mt. Everest Base Camp
29. Visit NYC (check: June 2014)
30. See the Northern Lights
31. Read through the Bible in under a Year
32. Sit on a jury
33. Travel Israel
34. Attend the Olympics
35. Learn to surf (check December 2nd 2015 in New Zealand)
36. Take a dance class
37. Take voice lessons
38. Go on a sleigh -ride or dog sled ride
39. Go to all 50 states and drive route 66
40. Learn to windsurf
41. Join a choir
42. Go white water rafting
43. Visit the wreckage of titanic in a sub
44. Swim in the world's largest swimming pool (off the coast of Chile)
45. Visit a rain forest
46. Ride a camel
47. Ride an elephant
48. Visit the Grand Canyon (check: January 2015)
49. Visit Victoria Falls
50. Visit the Sahara Desert
51. Go back to Disney World and Harry Potter World (check: December 2015)
52. Go to Cedar Point (check: summer 2014)
53. Play a real game of poker
54. Learn to knit or crochet or quilt (check: knitting 2013-2014)
55. Fly first class
56. Attend a ball
57. Visit a volcano
58. Get licensed and go on a scuba diving expedition
59. Swim in bio-luminescent algae
60. Run a 5k race
61. Kiss under the mistletoe
62. Learn how to cartwheel
63. Go to New Zealand (check November 2015)
64. Go to Australia
65. Have a child

Kids Week

When did we stop jumping in puddles and watching our shadows? When did we stop getting excited about fireworks and catching potato bugs? When was it that we decided we knew all the stars and the shapes in the clouds were not enough entertainment? At what point did the waves and flowers lose our interest? When did we leave that world of childhood behind? As I watch the 100s of children run around this place, or the 8 that I take care off I am transported back. Now as they leave and we fast forward several years I will miss these things. I'll miss the small hands and how they constantly wanted to braid my hair. I'll miss the carefree mornings and the juice stained faces. I'll miss the looks of awe and admiration over the smallest feats. I'll miss how all the little things are noticed and how easily forgiveness is given and how honesty is just a subconscious part of life. I'll miss this. I never thought I'd day it, but I'll miss Kids Week.

The Climb

You know those awkward moments between two people when both have something to say but neither one says anything. Ya, I think I just had one of those. Just another one of those frustrating things about life I suppose. Like, how I'm usually very aware and observant of everyone around me. I can almost always read people accurately, and understand how and why things happen the way they do. The exception is when it comes to any hypothetical guy I may be interested in. Then I fail, epically. It's like suddenly losing my 20/20 vision and navigating life blind. Wicked frustrating. Someone even got me to admit I'm scared. That should explain everything I have or haven't done. I'm scared of "no" and "not right now". I'm scared of silence or hesitation. Our fears may not be identical, but we're both afraid of a great fall. I feel like I'm climbing a ladder, and I keep checking how far up I am. As I keep climbing, steps below me begin to disappear; I wonder, What happens if it's not safe to climb down and I'm too high to jump? Then I have two options: fall from this height, or continue climbing facing the constant possibility of a much worse fall the higher I climb. For now I'm still climbing.

Internal Argument

I'm seriously considering trying something new. I'm intensely debating attempting something I've never done before. Something that, in the past I have been openly against. It's not so much that I considered it to be wrong. It's just not "my way of doing things". Well, now I'm re-evaluating. I probably won't do anything in the imminent future, my decision making process takes a long time. But despite my opinions up until now, waiting has not always been the best answer. Sometimes one has to take a risk, jump off a cliff, so to speak. Sometimes one has to make a choice based on good judgement and hope for the best. I often let possible cons outweigh the pros. I think we all do that though. We let that one negative comment affect our day. We let our fears hold us back. We allow that one nagging doubt to disrupt everything. We can't see something therefore we claim it doesn't exist. We don't understand something therefore we assume it is a lie, or else it is impossible to understand. I'm going to try something new. I'm going to hope for the best. Maybe this is one of those "finding yourself" moments. Maybe this is crazy. Maybe one day soon I'll find out which.

June Dream Journal

June 1st - Dreamt I was going back to Dalewood for a day, on the same day as my driver's test. HUGE dilemma because I wanted to wear my hair in a ponytail for the road test, but down for the Dalewood reunion day
June 2nd - I married one boy and had a daughter and then my husband died. Then I found another boy who was gorgeous and fell in love with him.
- Going to a party, on the way Laurel and I stopped for alcoholic beverages. I choose alcoholic minute maid orange juice because I hate orange juice and knew I wouldn't drink it.
- Some guy was walking down the fast lane of a highway and keeping up with the flow of traffic and someone else is riding a tractor lawnmower in the slow lane.
June 3rd - Our family is moving to Mexico, lots of people come to say goodbye. Bobby comes over with a huge straw hat
- I have two kids with Sully from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. A older boy and a baby girl
June 8th - Taught 3 boys to swim in the pool in my backyard while standing on deck.
June 11th - Got lost in KMB church. Heard a tour guide explain to a group of people that the purple orangutan signs lead to the washroom and the orange lifeboat signs lead the way to the rest of the church.
June 12th - Whole youth group gathered together to protest something. We went to a meeting in the Eden cafeteria, and then to a rally. I missed my trip to Val's because of it.
- Olivia, Naomi, and myself witnessed a meteoroid hit earth. Then I hid under a navy towel when army planes flew overhead. Naomi told me they were safe. Then the planes brought back injured people and I went to go help.
June 15th - I was shopping at Walmart for brightly coloured moccasins, (yellow, teal, black, green). Every time I found a pair in my size a lady would come up to me, thank me, and then take them away to try on for herself.
June 20th - Laurel and I had 12 wrestling matches, each to a Taylor Swift song. Laurel won every time.
- I was in a huge McDonald PlayPlace. The floor of the ball pit was a trampoline. I made the trampoline touch the floor and the staff guy was mad at me.
- I was in an incredible recording studio, recording my own Taylor Swift "Fearless" album
June 23rd - At camp during chapel, in the middle of the song 40 by U2, Cordelia made everyone turn their chairs to face the back wall as a prank.
- Had a race to see who could eat 3 green peppers, and 3 red peppers the fastest
- Went to get a pedicure and the lady wanted to put purple streaks in my hair
- Stef and I went to a theme park and tried to stand up on all the rides

Can I Make a Request?

Get your head in check. You are not a statistic, and that's not an excuse. You may not worry about this now, but you're fooling yourself if you think that's all that matters.
In real life there is no backspace button. I wish there was, I really do. I look at you and I think of a million incredible places your life could take you. None of them end here, none of them involve this. It's two bad that with your blurry vision you can only make out two options.
Set your sights somewhere between now and forever. If you're only living in this moment then you're missing the big picture, the wider perspective. And if you're only living in forever, then you're missing your purpose in this world.
I don't expect more of you than anyone else. I just expect you, and you are more than this. Don't underestimate yourself either. You're stronger than you think you are and you'll never know your own self control until you exercise it.
A pen has no eraser. Okay, that's a lie, some pens do; but they're really crappy pens and the erasers don't really work that well. Point is, the story of your life cannot be erased or backspaced or scribbled out. You don't get a rough draft or decision-check button. So think first! That's all I ask.

I Couldn't Write a Word of My Own Today

I thought of all the things I'd like to say. Cramped up and couldn't write a word all day. ~ Give me a few hours and I'll have this all sorted out. If my mind would just stop racing. I cannot stand still. I can't be this unsturdy, this cannot be happening. ~ Untie the weight bags I never thought I could. Steady feet don't fail me now. ~ Honesty is a hard attribute to find when we all want to seem like we've got it all figured out. ~ With so much to say, but no words to convey, the loneliness building with each passing day. But I'm getting used to it, you have to get used to it. ~ You start to wonder why you're here not there. And you'd do anything to get what's fair. But fair ain't what you really need. ~ I was thinking about that and a bunch of other things. I need to pour out this expansive dose of words. ~ It's a fight between my heart and mind. No one really wins this time. ~ I'm not saying anything you haven't heard before, I'm just trying to understand the way we are. ~ Nothing I can say to bring us back to where we were. When life was not this hard. Looking back it all just seems so far. ~ Late night drives, all along in my car, I can't help but start singing lines from all our favourite songs. ~ I hear your song resound, I little bit softer each day. ~ There's nothing I can say to you to make you feel alive again. ~ Just do your best to hear me, it's all you can do. You have my attention. ~ I can tell that you don't know me anymore. It's easy to forget, sometimes we just forget. ~ Who would've guessed that what we thought was real was so fragile and ended so soon. ~ All alone, in a world that doesn't care. ~ Everybody knows somebody who needs something to believe in. Everybody dreams and everybody has a dream that's broken. ~ And being on this road is anything but sure. ~ Everybody talks but nobody will listen. Cause we're too scared of the quiet. ~ Ya I know that everyone gets scared sometime. But I've become what I can't be. ~ Can't you see this unbelief is human tragedy. ~ Another day so far away from paradise. ~ But everything looks perfect from far away. ~ Rain down, rain down, come on rain down on me from a great height. ~ We all have weaknesses but some of ours are easier to identify. So when my weakness turns my ego up I know you'll count on the me from yesterday. If I turn into another, dig me up from what is covering the better part of me. ~ You've got some nerve but you can't face your mistakes. I know what I should do, but I just can't turn away. ~ Love hurts... but sometimes it's a good hurt. ~ No one's immune. ~ In spite of this we're doing fine, even diamonds start as coal. ~ I'm keeping an eye on the future, an eye on the past. ~ I wish we could open our eyes to see in all directions at the same time. ~ Things are never going to be the way you want. ~ Are you going to waste your time? Got to make you move or you'll miss out. Someone will ask you what it's all about. What are you going to have to say for yourself? ~ Don't write yourself off yet. ~ With one hand high you'll show them your progress. ~ It's that time of year, leave all our hopelessness aside. If just for a little while, tears stop here. I know we've all had a bumpy ride, I'm secretly on your side. ~ I fall asleep with my friends around me. Only place I know, I feel safe. I'm gonna call this home. ~ You know that I'm going to say time's slipping away. You're standing ignoring me. ~ By now you should've somehow realised what you're not to do. ~ I must admit it's my pride that made me distant. All because I hoped you'd be someone different. ~ It really didn't make sense to leave this unresolved. ~ I threw out everything that didn't make sense. To find a thousand more things that don't make sense. ~ It's not so easy caving in. ~ I wish you were a stranger I could disengage. Say that we agree and then never change. Soften a bit until we always get along. But that's disregard. ~ I deconstruct my thoughts at this piano. ~ Sometime perfection can be, it can be perfect hell. ~ I'd rather run the other way than stay and see, the smoke and who's still standing when it clears. ~ If I don't say this now I will surely break. ~ Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. ~ You've hit one wall now find a way around. ~ Windows open and close that's just how it goes. ~ I believe that there's hope buried beneath it all. ~ I always believed in futures. I hope for better. ~

Because I am not Perfect

Recently I have been taught a lesson in humility. Having other people to think I'm perfect is not okay. Choosing not to correct this perception or allowing myself to think it is much much worse. Therefore I feel I must admit some mistakes I have made, and am making. Not because I am in anyway proud of them, but because acknowledging the existence of faults is important in striving to correct them. I think the reason I don't usually confess is because these are things everyone has done, and I don't want to be like everyone else. But I am like everyone else, because I am not perfect, because I am human. So, to begin, I am a good liar. I am prideful. I have a Savior complex. I always want to be right. I am controlling. I have led dual lives. I often fight with those around me. I speak when I should listen. I fall too hard, too fast. Sometimes I just go through the motions. I have a tainted integrity. I have cheated on a test. I have gossiped. I have gone behind a friend's back. I have many irrational fears. I understand the struggles of depression. I can empathize with the pain of addiction. I know the self esteem and self image issues just as well as everyone else. I have not evaded doubts, or jealousy or hatred. I have not kept all my promises. I have been careless, insensitive and selfish. I have placed myself on a pedestal, and sometimes I just need the reminder that I'm not perfect.

Rainy Day Festivities

Once upon a time there was this girl. It was a rainy Saturday, and once upon a time this girl drove down to the lake near her house in her beautiful, black, Honda Accord. She parked in a no parking zone and had a minor panic attack about getting a ticket before concluding that there were more important things to worry about. In her blue raincoat carrying a cow umbrella she walked along the rocks shifted them to find small dry stones to put in her pocket. When he pocket was full and bulging she sat down on an outcropping rock and pulled out blue and pink permanent markers from her other coat pocket. She wrote the name of someone she cared about on each of that stone. Then she prayed, begging God, pleading with God to help that person through the difficult things they faced in their life. She prayed for the words to say, and the wisdom to know when to shut up. She wrote a different name on every stone. She quickly ran out of stones and had to search for more. After each prayer she threw the stone into the lake, recognizing how little control she had over the situation and giving it over to someone with much more. Thankfully, God doesn't just exist in once upon a time. And maybe this wasn't a fairytale. Maybe it was just a girl who was a romantic at heart, who wanted desperately to see the pain or numbness to end in the people around her. In real life her prayers just might be answered. And that's better than wishes and once upon a time.

A Lengthy Explanation

It has come to my attention that my blog requires and explanation, which I am happy to provide. This is a blog; it is my blog. It began as a collection of journals I have written. However, paper and ink are not invincible which made me nervous. Being a paranoid person, I always had the worry of a fire or tornado or hurricane or monsoon or tsunami or terrorist attack or other such unfortunate event, destroying my journals. So I decided to make a hard copy on the computer. I chose not to do it in Word perfect or any other word processing program. This is because I own a PC, and aged PC that has already earned a reputation for viruses and unexpected crashes. So out of this thought process came the blog. I was not however, satisfied yet because what if one day I got amnesia and forgot the website. Then all my hard work would have gone to waste. So, I fool-proofed my plan by posting the URL on another website, another well known and frequently visited website, you might have heard of it : Facebook. And that is really, truly, the primary explanation for why my blog is a blog. The secondary explanation is, if possible, even more complicated. I also began a blog on a public site because there was a small part of me that feared, but also loved the idea of other people reading my thoughts. I'm a huge fan of honesty. I have a serious problem being vulnerable in person, so I thought I'd try my hand at it online. I admit to how sketchy that sounds at first. But it's not like I am posting my credit card number or deepest darkest secrets online. And secondly, it does take some amount of effort to find the link to my blog, eliminating the probability that every random person on facebook will find and read my blog. But that does happen sometimes, and there are some people that disagree with what I write. That is okay! The very title of my blog, "Disclaimer : This is Just Me" is meant to show that my blog is about what I think. It may not be right, but it's real, and it's honest. Some people may want certain entries removed, or changed. In a newspaper that would be called a retraction. But this is not a newspaper, and I am not being paid to record facts in a complete and unbiased way. This is like an editorial, an opinion piece. And whether or not you agree with it, I will not apologize for, or eliminate my opinion. This blog is often cynical and depressing. It tends to look at things in a more negative light. Writing is the outlet for the darker side of my personality. I try to be hopeful and optimistic in person, however I find blogging to be a healthy and helpful channel for all my emotions. I do not live in the moment. I rarely act before looking 15 million miles down the road. But I do write in the moment. I write about the moments. There are moments that I want to always remember and moments when I learn something vital I never want to forget. I do not write thinking about how I will feel about the moment tomorrow, or a year from now. That is the explanation for my tunnel vision, or narrow writing. The explanation, not the apology. This is my blog, it is about me and the tings/people most important to me. You can learn alot about me by reading it. You can begin to understand. But that is a choice; learning and understanding will not come with the reading of one or two posts. Allow mt to use a slightly questionable comparison, mt blog is like the Bible. It shouldn't be taken out of context, you need to read the whole thing before you make assumptions or come to any conclusions. Otherwise it may seem unbalanced or contradictory or unreasonable. So you can read it, or not. Try to understand, or not. I'm always happy to discuss it. This is who I am, and this is the way I see my world. Try not to hold that against me.

In 17.75 Years More

17 and three quarters, almost eighteen years of life have gone by. Some in an instant for me, other in a long, drawn out, tiring journey. Where do I want to be in another 17.75 years? I would be 35. The year will be 2027. I hope to have lived a joyful satisfying third of my life. I hope I am married to the person I will spend the remaining 2/3 of my life with. I hope to have several incredible children. I hope to have begun to raise them well, loving always and guiding them with Christ. I would like it if one of them were a girl. I would like it if her name where Chantelle. I would like a mansion or castle with lots of rooms and lots of windows and lots of hired help. And a pool. If I can't have that, then I would like a modest house in a quiet neighbour. Grey brick, chimney on the side, cobblestone pathway through the lawn and garden. I would like a house that needs fixing up, that my husband and I can make our own. I would like a field or a park nearby for the children. And a pool. I would like a beautiful piano in the living room, and a bedroom painted red. I would like the house stocked full of picture albums and home videos. I would like a huge bookshelf overflowing with all our favourite books, and and another shelf for all our favourite music, which will be playing constantly. I would like to have a job that helps others and that uses my gifts. But at 35 I may not be working, I may be at home "keeping house" which would always make me happy. I would like to take family vacation once every year. I would have liked to have visited Europe. I would like to sing my kids to sleep and make them feel safe, and loved. I would like my children to know their grandparents, maybe even great grandparents. In 17.75 more years I have alot of dreams that I hope come true. But only a few are truly important. And it is these deepest desires of my heart that I hope are granted to me in 17 3/4 years more.

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

Waiting for the Stars to Align

Every time I get a little bit closer. A little bit closer to what I never had. Every time I wonder if this is finally it, if this time it's different. If this time what I want finally coincides with God's plan for me. It hasn't yet. Or maybe it has and I've just missed it. Maybe it has and I've ignored it. Maybe it has and I've messed it up or been afraid or maybe I've hesitated. Maybe it's all been perfectly lined up already. Maybe, but I don't think so.

I'm not waiting for the time to be right, because it never is. I'm not waiting for a voice from heaven telling me what to do. I'm waiting for a peace and an assurance, and several coincidences that have no explanation. And when that doesn't happen I wait for the crushing feeling of hope lost. It has to be one or the other, however I can only speak from one side of the fence. Maybe my odds are improving. Maybe the tables are turning. I hope so, but that's the problem : I hope.

The last time I was here I was with you. It was better that way, it was better last time, so I'll remember it that way. Because it may be one of my last memories of then. I can't spend my whole life waiting for one thing or another. Life will keep passing me by if I keep waiting for the stars to align. Maybe it's okay if one or two of the stars seem out of place. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be. Maybe this is how it's supposed to be. now?

No Longer

How did we fall so far? How did we get here? No one would have predicted this. We've compromised, we've 'just made do', we've lowered our expectations. We're so much less than we could be. We're worse than we were before. We've gossiped in the name of concern. We've chosen to fail in the name of living. We've lied and called it strength. We've hurt each other and shrugged. We are not living the way we were meant to. We keep trying to help each other out, but instead we're pulling each other down. It's like that example we saw this summer. One person stands on the ground and another person stands on a chair. They grab hands and pull. It's alot easier to pull the person on the chair down from it, than to pull the other person up onto the chair, especially when they are unwilling to do so. Then they're just dead weight that one has to carry around. We were all so strong, so sure, so solid. We were the examples. We were vessels of Christ. I don't even want to know what we should be called now. Encouraging each other in sin. Turning a blind eye to our faults. Some of us doubt our faith more now. Others have given up on it completely. Some of us allow it to come and go as it suits us. "I don't believe in God right now, but I know it will come back". Translation : "Life is stressful at the moment and I'm not drawing close to God so I can't feel his presence like I used to and I think he's abandoned me. So I'll just let him take the back seat for a while until he starts improving things for me or until I hit rock bottom". Our worldly knowledge is rapidly expanding, but our faith is still very immature. We are all still a huge part of each others' lives. But we are no longer the positive influences we used to be. We are no longer responsible choices and Godly morals. We are no longer excited for Bible studies, looking forward to chapel and being united in prayer. It's been just under a year, and we are no longer LITs.

Seeing is Believing? Believing is Seeing?

Such bitterness. The way you speak, each word rooted deep in a hatred I cannot understand. A hated of something so perfect, so pure, so wonderful. A hatred shared by so many others. What did man do to make you so angry at God? You call yourself agnostic. You say there is no way to know whether or not there is a God. I have no respect for that. I can respect other religions besides my own, the devotion involved and the good intentions, even if I don't agree with it. But if one spends their whole life wondering and asking questions and searching, but never committing or taking any action, then what a waste of a life! I know you wonder about it. That's why it's always on your mind, that's why you always argue. Sometimes I even think you now the truth, but that's when you fight even harder against it. You are like the scientists searching so hard for the answer to the creation question. Their lives are based around finding absolute truth. But when they disprove evolution and the Big Bang and their other theories and are left with no alternative but a higher power, they refuse to believe. Their statement being, "I am left with no other explanation but that there is a higher power, however I refuse to believe that therefore I support the theory of evolution." Why do people fight so hard against the truth. The truth is eternal, never changing. No matter how many times it is fought or covered up, it is constant. God is truth. You scoff at faith. You mock the idea of believing blindly and call anyone who does a fool. I wish you knew how much I pity you. There is nothing blind about this faith that defines my life. There is nothing foolish about this trust that has never been broken. For you, seeing is believing. You want proof, the kind of proof Thomas had. And you call God unjust because he won't give you that proof. Thomas said he would not believe that Jesus had risen until he put his finger through the holes in his hands and seen the place where the spear was in his side. Jesus said to Thomas, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed" John 20:29. The problem is, you don't know God, and you wouldn't accept or recognize proof if it was staring you square in the eye. Which it is, everyday. God is working right in front of you, but you can't see it because you can't believe it. A person could go through life denying the existence of wind. They could refuse to believe it was there because they couldn't actually see it. With that mindset it would be possible to go through life without ever directly seeing the wind. However, everyone would consider such a person to be an idiot. They are looking for wind in all the wrong places. One must believe in the possibility of wind before they can see it. But then they see it everywhere. In moving tree branches, in waves rising and falling across the ocean, in billowing snow storms. And not just see it, but they will feel it as well, like a cool breeze across one's face on a hot day. Once you believe the wind is there you begin to see it and feel it everywhere and then you would never dream of claiming it's nonexistence. Another analogy is the sun. We cannot look directly at it, our eyes are not meant for that, it is always there, even when there are clouds in the way and we can see everything it touches. It is the same with God. I don't know if anyone today can rightfully claim that they have see God, a visible, tangible, God. We cannot see God directly right now. That time has past and has not yet come around again. But God can be seen working in others, performing everyday miracles through people or coincidences or leaping out at someone through a verse in the Bible. Oh ye of little faith, how empty your life must be. You were prophesized about, and you are not alone. "You will be ever hearing, but never understanding; ever seeing, but never perceiving. For this people's heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes" Matthew 13:14-15. You call me close-minded. You hate Christians for hating homosexuals and drunks, and pregnant teenage mothers. But those people are not Christians, because those people are not emulating Christ. Sunday school principle : God loves everyone, he just doesn't love what they're doing. You would laugh at that, tear it down with some sarcastic remark, so I'll bring it down to a level that is relatable. Let's pretend that I came to my parents one day and told them that I am dropping out of University to become a prostitute. They would still love me, but they would hate that decision and hate what it would mean for me because they know there is something out there better than that for me. But they would never stop loving me. Love is a choice, and once you choose to love someone then the only option is to continue loving them completely and eternally. Perfect love does not end or fluctuate, because it is whole and complete and holds nothing back. God is love. And he has poured out his love for you in more ways than you can imagine and will continue whether or not you ever return that love. All he asks for is a little faith. Even the smallest amount of faith can make miracles. "If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you can say to the mountain ' Move from here to there' and it will move" Matthew 17:20-21. That sounds cliché doesn't it? You can move mountains if you just believe. We're not talking literal mountains, (although I believe it is possible), because what good would that be if mountains up and moved all around the world. God's perfect natural balance would be disrupted, the world would be in mayhem. No, we're talking mountains even more difficult to conquer than a climb up Everest. Overcoming one's disbelief, fighting addiction, loving others when it's most difficult, learning humility, finding peace with death, letting go of pride, accepting help, admitting faults and growing closer to God in relationship. Those are the kinds of mountains one can climb with a little faith. Right now you have nothing. You have nothing to fight for, nothing to believe in, nothing to make your living worth living. But there is still a purpose for your life you have not yet discovered. I firmly believe God has much work left to do in you. Even Saul, one of the most resolute persecutors of early Christians went on to do great work on earth for God's kingdom. "At once he began to preach in the synagogues that Jesus is the Son of God. All those who heard him were astonished and asked 'Isn't this the man who destroyed those who called on God's name in Jerusalem? And hasn't he come here to take them prisoners to the chief priests?' Yet Saul grew more and more powerful and baffled the Jews living in Damascus by proving that Jesus is the Christ" Acts 9:20-22. Perhaps one day you too will see the blinding light and here a voice resound inside your heart. "Why do you persecute me?" Acts 9:4b. "Stop doubting and believe!" John 20:27.

My Prayer for You and for Us

Follow Christ, not Christians. Sometimes Christ speaks through Christians. And sometimes he doesn't. Sometimes he blesses a pastor's words, sometimes he blesses a church's work, sometimes he shows himself to us. And sometimes he doesn't. His hand is in everything, but sometimes he holds things together, and sometimes he pulls things apart. He gives and takes away. And he is always there to catch the falling pieces of our lives. Be cautious of false prophets, who claim to be one thing but live differently. They are all around you. But do not fear because you can always tell them by their fruit. "Every good tree bears good fruit, (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self control), but the bad tree bears evil fruit. A good tree cannot bear evil fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit" Matthew 7:17-18. Be aware of wolves in sheep's clothing, and of those who will try to pull you off the path. Do not be afraid of questioning your faith, hold firm and it will strengthen it. Look out for your brothers and sisters. There will be times when you need each other's help. Guide each other gently, hold each other together, build each other up. And as you do these things never lose sight of Christ. Do not follow any other example, even the examples of your fellow believers, for they are imperfect. This is our problem right here. "Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin you should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself" Galations 6:1. Allow yourself to love others. Allow Christ to love you and let him show you this love through others. You are surrounded by people who care. Your choices affect others, so make wise choices and care about the choices you make.

Good Advice

Advice is really only as good as the quality of the source providing it. A person can give solid advice but if their life is falling apart around them, one hesitates before following advice from such a person for fear their life will also fall apart. In a similar way, a person is not likely to happily fol;low advice form a hypocrite. Advice is best received when the giver is in a place in life the recipient wishes he/she was. I'm not a huge fan of giving advice. It's not that I don't know what to say or what 'good' advice would be. That comes pretty naturally to me. The problem is giving the advice in such a way that the recipient doesn't shut their ears to it. As much as you deny it, no one likes being told they're living life wrong, or that they should make different choices. Especially when I'm technically no further along this journey than you are. So I suppose that they're really no reason anyone should listen to me. Except for the fact that I care, even when you don't. Except for the fact that occasionally I really know what I'm talking about. Usually I understand a heck of alot more than you think I do. You may not like my advice, that's almost a given. But you can't deny that there's often wisdom in it. You can make excuses about why it doesn't apply to your life, but the truth still stands. Your opinion of my advice really affects your opinion of me. So the question remains; what is the quality of the source? Would you consider me quality?

May Dream Journal

May 3rd - I tried to call 911, but I couldn't because T9 wouldn't let me. However, in the dream there was a large clear circular button in the middle of the phone that would call 911 for me. Convenient

May 5th - There was this little fuzzy spider on the deck at West Park Pool where I work. The lifeguards were all in the pool and decided that it was an owl spider, and it's name was snow. There was hand cream in a bright yellow container to get rid of it. One lifeguard suggested that it might be a good idea to act crazy in front of the swimmers.
May 5th - I was on a treasure hunt with Joel, Brandon and Ben in a pool and in a park near a seniors community centre. We were looking for 2 digital cameras. I stuck my hand into the pool grate and found a paper airplane kit.

May 11th - My family opened the pool together. My mom splashed my cell phone and the number 80 showed up in black ink to prove that it had water damage. If it was okay, the number would have been 180 in red ink.

My Anthem

I will never be that person. I have chosen not to be first. You think I'm wrong, but I'm not who you think I am. I am a leader out of necessity more than out of personal preference. It's what has worked for me. It's gotten me this far and will hold me together for a while longer. There are easier roles I could have chosen. Roles that are instantly more rewarding. But I could never be that person. I am controlling because I care, not because I hate you. I shout because that's how I was raised not because I'm angry. If I am angry, I will shower you in freshly baked goods. You don't always know my answer because I'm not who you think I am. I'll tell you the truth the first time you ask, so you don't have to ask again. I will not always tell you everything. I can't do that, and I won't do that, because you don't need that. My shield is intimidation, my sword is sarcasm. But these are the weapons of someone who doesn't really want to fight. I will not pick a fight, but I will confront you if it's necessary. I am often scared, but not of the things that you think. I like being by myself, I don't usually feel lonely. I spend time around other people more for them, than for me. Sometimes I'm really good at reading people. Sometimes I'm too easy to read. But I don't like being that person. I know things I don't want to know. I learn fast, I break easy. I hold on, I don't forget. I have a great memory but I will never be that person who holds a grudge. I will never be that person that falls apart in public. I will never be that person that cries out loud for help. I will never be the person who doesn't speak their mind. I will never try to hurt you. I will never try to lie to you. I will never be that person who follows. I will never be that person who takes the easy way out. I am not who you think I am, and I will never be that person.

Matters of Morality Part 2

Incredible isn't it, now that you think about it, how typical we are as humans. God must be seriously disappointed in the amount of times we screw up, how often we turn our backs on him on purpose; especially those of us who say we know him. I know you know him. I've seen you prove it. And yet...out of all the people I hold close to me, who know me and know God, there are an outstanding number who's decisions are so wholly opposite form mine. There are many who find my choices surprising, ridiculous, unrealistic. If my standards of morality are considered unreasonable, then I'd be interested to know what you think of God's standards. You know, the same God you claim to follow. Ideally, shouldn't all the lifestyles of those who call themselves Christ followers, line up to some extent? I know God and I are not always on the exact same page. Therefore I know that I am certainly not without faults or imperfections. However, it is not in these failures that I take pride. And yet...that is exactly what you are doing! Your mistakes and short comings and errors in judgment are your boastful repertoires. Sugar coated as adventures or dares or expected teenage mess-ups. Stories are told and re-told, and the crazy thing is that then, with your permission, these things become part of what identifies you. And for what? So that you can stand out in your idiocy, and in doing so fit in with everyone else? So, excuse me for choosing to boast of different things, or better yet, not boast at all. I'd really like to think my decisions are not world shatteringly uncommon. They're common sense really, if one resigns themselves to that fact that there is right and wrong. And the times that I choose wrong; I would rather not recount those in the company of others. I simply do not feel the need to prove myself imperfect. To what point and purpose would that be? So I ask you not to hold me accountable for the things I have not done and proceed to hold those above my head to no profit. However, I would not resent you in the least for holding me accountable, for there are many reasons to. And if you don't know of those reasons, then there's a reason for that too.

First? Last? 30492nd?

Ha, good one, jokes on me! I walked right into that. Just when i feel like I've got hold of something, someone kicks me in the proverbial balls and I'm even now still reeling from the hit. Am I surprised? Only slightly, I'm not really a stranger to disappointment. It was foolish to get my hopes up, to let others get my hopes up. Just once in my life though I think it'd be nice to be really good at something. Not just halfway decent, middle of the pack, but 'better than anyone I know' good at something. I mean yes, there are plenty of things I'm okay at; piano, school, singing, swimming. It's not like I'm mad at God for not gifting me with enough abilities. But sometimes I wish that God had chosen just one thing and enabled me to excel at it. I don't care all that much about being acknowledged or recognized. Just knowing would be enough for me I think. But maybe that is foolish. If you build up my confidence on one talent, then what happens when that one person comes along who's just a little bit better than you? Then your world would shatter, that's what. I used to think it must be an amazing feeling to hold a world record. maybe win the 100m dash and break the world record at the Olympics. What an amazing feeling to be the fastest man or woman on earth. But how long does that last? A year? Four years? Twenty even? But no one can hold that spot forever. And who has time for the second fastest person on earth, or the third, or the thirty-thousandth, four-hundredth, and ninety-second? In the famous words of Ricky Bobby, "If you're not first, you're last." So I don't really know where to file this. I don't need to be world famous for something, I'm not even sure I want that. I'd just like to be good, and know I'm good, maybe even have a couple people tell me so. The frustrating bit? Part of me thinks that I am good, or could be. But I'll never get the chance to try and prove it, so I guess I'll never know.

Matters of Morality Part 1

Life would be so much easier is I didn't know everything. Admittedly, that sounds conceited, but what i mean is that it would be easier if I wasn't always so sure of myself. If I wasn't right 9 out of 10 times. I know what I like and don't like. I know what I believe and don't believe. I know what I agree and disagree with, I stand by it, and little can be done about it. In alot of situations this can be a positive thing. It is because of this that I rarely doubt my faith. It is the reason I handle crises well. I can make a clear decision quickly because I have already decided in my mind how to react. However, also because of this I am stubborn. This is not a secret, and I get myself into arguments far too often. People often expect me to have the answer, the best answer, the right answer. This becomes so difficult when they're questions of morality. Almost all of my choices are based on my discernment of right and wrong; based on my collection of values. Unfortunately, these don't always line up with everyone else's. In fact, most of the time my bar is set so much higher, and stronger. I don't regret it though, and I have very few regrets because of it. But sometimes I feel like I'm looking down over everyone else and I can predict what will happen. And I can give my opinion or say what I think needs to be said, but everyone does there own thing anyways, and more often then not, they burn for it. Nobody learns from their mistakes anymore. We almost anticipate and plan around mistakes and then when they occur we quickly overlook them. Life would be so much easier if I could just overlook all of this.

The Bench

There once was a bench. Just an old, wooden park bench, situated between two other old wooden park benches. The typical resting spots for couples of all ages ages, and newspaper readers alike. There is nothing special about the bench itself, it was just a bench. And this story doesn't revolve around the bench as you might presume at first, the bench revolves around the stories. An outer orbiting planet, just one part of a much larger solar system. And in our solar system there was this one particular bench.

I imagine that if this bench could talk it would have many stories to tell. But benches can't talk, so they're not story tellers. Benches are story keepers. Every dent, and stain, and piece of litter left behind on the bench hold a story, a fraction of a life's history.

There are seeds scattered around it from the elderly men and women who come by often to feed the birds. There are initials carved into by people who are, or once were in love, and have left their love behind on the bench. There are hateful messages spray-painted onto it by those who are hurting and confused. They have nothing against the bench; they are just looking for a way to tell their story. There is yesterday's newspaper, wrinkled and discarded telling the stories of some people who couldn't tell their stories for themselves. There is loose change left by someone careless, too important to stoop down and pick up a few dimes. There is change left by someone caring, for someone who might need it to care for themselves. There is a small child's collection of pebbles and flower heads brought proudly before a young mother who doesn't realize their importance. Each of these things left at the bench, left with the bench, accidentally or on purpose, every object holds a deeper significance. A significance that most passersby wouldn't care to notice. However, there was one who noticed, one man who passed by.

On a Thursday in March, the sky was overcast and the park deserted. A man walked slowly down the path. Eyes unfocused, mind elsewhere, lost deep in his own thoughts. Who can really say what made him stop. Why here? Why this park? Why this bench? But he did stop, and with a slight reluctance, sat down. Still mulling things over within himself, he looked around. And dazed though he was, his eyes saw what very few others could. His mind took in and understood what others wouldn't have bothered to notice. He took a handfull of the flowers and pebbles and thought of his own children. He thought of what was, and is, and what no longer could be. He traced his hands over the initials and thought of his beautiful wife, and how her loved her and what he had never meant to put her through. He thought of her courage, and strength and of the better life that she would soon have. The backpack he carried slumped at his feet. One silent tear slipped down his cheek, but he made no move to wipe it away, and it hung on his chin. There was no need for pride anymore. He unzipped the knapsack and pulled out the pills. The medicine that was supposed to help. The medicine that was supposed to restore to him his right mind. The medicine that he had hated so fervently from the beginning. He popped two pills into his mouth and swallowed. Now they would finally help him.
Glancing around again he noticed the newspaper and read the headline about some problem with the city's budget. There had been problems with the family budget for years, hopefully that would change. Popping open the cap again, he takes two more pills. Picking up the few coins on the bench he puts them inside the fold of the newspaper and is pleased with himself for solving the city's financial issue. 4 more pills. He glances at his wedding ring, and with great heaving sobs clutches it to his heart. Another two pills, and another. He pours the remaining pills into his palm, and puts all but one into his mouth. The last pill he sets down on the bench next to the flowers and pebbles. Yet another priceless token of the bench, from a man who had already given so much to the world, it was his last gift. He himself had been given many gifts. The gift of music, and language, humour, cleverness, culinary genius, creativity, and compassion. The last thing he could give back was his story. The story of an extraordinary and talented man, who never quite belonged in this world. And with that, he slipped into unconsciousness.

Who can say exactly how much later he was found by that runner and taken to the hospital. But this story's not about that. This story is about a man, a real man. Whose failures were overshadowed by his triumphs, whose personality was as unique as his Creator, and whose story has left a lasting impression on many of us. But this world became too much, and in a moment of weakness and strength, a decision was made that leaves us without him. There is nothing easy or simple or rational about suicide. There is nothing easy or simple or rational about depression. There is nothing that is easy or simple or rational this side of heaven. But let our focus not be on the death, for that was but a moment in time. Let us remember a life, a good life, a hard life, a life intertwined with our own. And then, with the knowledge that he is home, in a place he belongs so completely, we can let his memory rest within us, within the world, and with the bench.