Every time I get a little bit closer. A little bit closer to what I never had. Every time I wonder if this is finally it, if this time it's different. If this time what I want finally coincides with God's plan for me. It hasn't yet. Or maybe it has and I've just missed it. Maybe it has and I've ignored it. Maybe it has and I've messed it up or been afraid or maybe I've hesitated. Maybe it's all been perfectly lined up already. Maybe, but I don't think so.
I'm not waiting for the time to be right, because it never is. I'm not waiting for a voice from heaven telling me what to do. I'm waiting for a peace and an assurance, and several coincidences that have no explanation. And when that doesn't happen I wait for the crushing feeling of hope lost. It has to be one or the other, however I can only speak from one side of the fence. Maybe my odds are improving. Maybe the tables are turning. I hope so, but that's the problem : I hope.
The last time I was here I was with you. It was better that way, it was better last time, so I'll remember it that way. Because it may be one of my last memories of then. I can't spend my whole life waiting for one thing or another. Life will keep passing me by if I keep waiting for the stars to align. Maybe it's okay if one or two of the stars seem out of place. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be. Maybe this is how it's supposed to be. now?
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