I don't like this person. I don't like this version of myself. I feel weak, anxious, dependent, self conscious. Nothing like who I really am or want to be.
I finally realized something. Nothing that happens here ever means anything. Sure maybe at the time, maybe in that brief moment there is something more than nothing. But that's because it's easy. It's all way too easy here. Where the days feel like weeks and friendships blossom overnight. But out there in the world outside the bubble, everything is lost. A spark dies, a meaning fades and the best intentions...well we all know what those pave the road to. Words mean nothing when someone hold a gun to you head. Falling in love is easy on an island. But when the pressure is gone and that boat returns to take you back to the mainland of reality, then all the complications of life get in the way. And for whatever reason, those complications make it not worth it, not worth the fight. Maybe that's true. Maybe without the rose coloured glasses it's obvious that this is hopeless. Maybe pursuing the idea is futile. But I refuse to really believe that. I refuse to give up on the possibilities of life. I will not accept difficulty as an excuse. Difficulty is inevitable, not a justification for giving up. No, I refuse to give up hope. Maybe that's pathetic. they say hindsight is 20/20. I don't think I'm quite seeing clearly yet. My eyes are still watching the island as it disappears in the waves.
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