Still Okay

I have briefly escaped from winter for the second year in a row. I shouldn't be so lucky, or rather, so fortunate. And whilst the new year rolls in as I am entering an unfamiliar hemisphere, I cannot completely stifle feelings of disappointment. The start of a new year always means the end of the old. With that, for me at least, comes many bittersweet reflections. Its pathetic of course, this self pity. My life could hardly be much better. Though its human nature I suppose, to long to for that which we do not have. Its too easy to embrace the feelings of entitlement and to complain of life's injustices and imperfections. Most people would remark over how much has changed in a year, but I cannot bring myself to do that. I do not see that very much has changed at all. Not in terms of my own life at least. I long for change, for challenges, struggles, and new adventures. I'm tired of stability and of waiting and of keeping it all together. I'm tired of looking back at yet another year and saying, "There goes another one, and everything is still.....just......fine". Some people would say that's a blessing, and I wouldn't contradict them. I don't wish to seem ungrateful for the life I've been given. I just wish I could measure passages of time with more than varying expressions of okay. I pray that in one years time, I would have some grasp on the one thing that still eludes me. The small black hole in my paradise.

Rejoice

This us what true friendship is supposed to be. This exuberant happiness when something wonderful happens in the life of another. The jealously that would normally be present is so fiercely overpowered by joy. Joy because of your joy, and nothing but. Thank goodness that real friendship still exists. Sometimes I have wondered whether distance or time would take their toll, as they have in other circumstances. However, this reminder has renewed my hope in love, joy, and friendship.


"Rejoice with those who rejoice" Romans 12:15a

The Flaw in the Plan

Ever since I can remember, I've had this beautiful master plan to avoid getting my heart broken. Its simple really, it only has two parts, its been executed flawlessly countless times.

Phase 1 has always been denial. By putting out a strong mental offensive, I've been able to ward off several potential threats. However, sometimes experiences, time, and conversations put up an impressive counter-attack, and occasionally the mental battle is lost. This is always a great tragedy that I try to avoid at all costs. None the less, when phase 1 fails, I begin working through phase 2.

But before phase 2 is instigated, there is an interlude of varying length during which I allow myself to daydream of reciprocated feelings and situations in which I actually end up happy. But when it becomes clear that this is hopeless, phase 2 is launched with a vengance.

Phase 2 involves finding weaknesses, flaws, that I can ponder and exaggerate and combine into deal breakers. Phase 2 provides me with an escape route before defeat or rejection cripples me. Phase 2 has never failed, not once, not until now.

You see, you're the flaw in the plan. My mental blockade could not keep you out, and now you've rendered phase 2 useless. I've launched a full, systematic search to try to find your flaws so that I can forget about you, but it ends without results. I can't find any flaws, not one. Which would be spectacular, if there was any chance that this would work out. As it is, I'm running out of time, and I will not let the days run out without finding proof that you are in some way imperfect. Its one thing to make me feel physically self-conscious, but to cause me to question if I'm even a good enough person? I have no phase 3 to deal with that.

Everyday that goes by with you, as flawless as ever, I grow a little more intrigued, a little bit weaker, and a little more fearful of the end result of all this. The war is not yet over, but I see now the flaw in my plan, and I think I know the outcome.

Settling

I am absolutely, positively dreading the conversation it seems I must have with you. There are times when I feel it hanging in the air above us, when I slip up, when I say too much, or when you do. But thus far I have avoided it, and I will continue to steer clear and feign ignorance of the whole situation. I am so glad I can find humour in it. If a year ago someone had told me how I would be feeling, I would have been more than skeptical. To think that we have come a full 360 degrees without a single world of true feelings being spoken. Its still like something out of a movie.

Its not such a bad idea really. Its not like people haven't subtly and obnoxiously suggested it before. Its not like it hasn't crossed my mind a thousand times. I'm just not in that place anymore, and if you're being honest I don't think you're really there either. I think you're just realizing what I realized over a year ago, that this would be easy, that it almost makes sense, that it is almost meant to be.

The problem is, I don't think I can settle for almost, although some days I wish I could. Of course in some twisted ways it could be considered romantic. Outwardly I'm sure we could pull it off, but I don't think I could handle the guilt. The guilt of knowing that out relationship would be built on a lie. The guilt of fooling everyone that cares for us. The guilt of trying to fool ourselves into believing that lie. I don't think I could handle knowing that I'm the consolation, and I don't think I could do that to you either.

So please don't force this upon us. At least not yet, at least not until the desperation outweighs the guilt. At least not until I've ruled out all possible #1's. At least not until I've given up hope. Then I'll be your always and forever, with almost all my heart.

Meant to be

I think some people are meant to be alone. I think some people are just predestined, or predisposed to live their life without a "second half", in fact, in continuing my argument, I would say something people don't have a "second half". While most people frantically run away from silence, there are the few that flock towards it. I think some people view loneliness the way they view gravity; inconvenient at times, but otherwise familiar, inescapable, and easy enough to reconcile with. In some instances I think singleness is a life choice, in other instances, I would equate it with greatness, in that sometimes people simply have it thrust upon them. Regardless, it seems very apparent that certain individuals have the innate ability to thrive in solitude, function independently for extensive periods of time, and to live in harmony with loneliness. In other words, I think some people are meant to be alone, (and as much as I feel like I just wrote an autobiography), I just don't want to be one of them.

Almost that Time of Year

A cool winter wind blew in today. The familiar sensation of a constant chill returned to my body. The chronic numbness that is never eleviated from my finger and toes has spread through my limbs to my core. In the continued absence of another person who's body heat I could frequently steal, I have resorted once again to other methods of achieving a state of warmth.

Knee socks, over sized sweater and lots of layers have become my new style staples. The whole ensemble is humorous not only because I resemble a morbidly obese soccer player, but also because I am out of place even in my own bedroom which displays a mural of a scene with a perpetually warm climate.

However, as winter rolls in this year, I feel I have taken several appropriate steps to establish coping mechanisms. Every time I take a shower, the water gets incrementally hotter. By the time my thermometer greets the negatives, and a pile of snow replaces my pile of leaves, i should be able to withstand scalding temperatures of water. Therefore I should be able to warm myself all the more quickly, as achieving a normal body temperature often feels like a matter of life or death in the miserable months of Dec-Feb. Another skill I am practicing is the use of a keyboard while wearing mittens. Don't misunderstand me, I mean mittens, not gloves. With my fingers which are icy even in the warmest summer's day, it is imperative to take action in the winter to avoid frostbite, even indoors. The necessity of wearing mittens while typing has caused me to spend more time with spellcheck, however I shudder (literally) at the alternative. Also- the bears have it right; hibernation is the way to go. Power naps are great, but five hours spent in a comatose state midday really helps to break up those long winter days. Its so dark all the time anyways.

The must-have item this winter- a heated blanket. I turn it on for 15 minutes before bed, and then i don't have to waste time securing myself in a cocoon in which there is zero airflow, and I still shiver. No need to iron the sheets or use those awkward smelling heated beanbags.
This winter, my warmth will take precedence over everything else.

Counting down the days until my body thaws.

Pep Talks, Music, and Racist Tendencies

I haven't written in a while, and I think that's okay. I think its okay to change up patterns and to take a break from the typical. And in addition, I just wasn't feeling inspired. I'm actually still not feeling all that inspired. However there is a story that I just cannot keep to myself. Its a funny story, but then it got me thinking. anyways. here goes.

Last night I went to my oh so wonderful, barely over minimum, frustrating as heck lifeguard job at the YMCA. I got myself through the shift first with my weekly pep talk that went something like.....

"Krista, you're actually such a great person. There are probably a lot of children that owe you their lives because you taught them how not to drown. And there are also a lot of parents out there that owe you for teaching their children discipline. And there are also a lot of ESL students that owe you for teaching them basic English verbs like 'swim, jump, and shut up'. Even though you're getting paid almost half of what you make when working from your pool in the summer, you are doing the right thing by going to work, because this is about the kids, and you are going to put on a happy face and get in there and be the person you're supposed to be."

....Ooor something like that. Anyways, with the combination of the pep talk and my promise to myself that I would hit up the mall after work, I made it through another Wednesday night. So after work I drove to the mall. I'm generally not that into shopping, I mean I love new clothes and I have fun moments sometimes, but I'd rather someone with really good taste and a bottomless bank account just shop for me. However, the exception to this shopping rule is when I'm shopping for music. Sunrise Records should give me a plaque and HMV should probably make me the poster girl for their advertisements. The best part about yesterday was that I actually had planned on spending money on music, unlike normal when I run away from my friends while they're in changerooms and come back with $200 worth of musical merchandise in my hands before they notice I left. I intended to spend money yesterday because I'm going to a concert in a few weeks for a band that I formerly only sort-of liked. Formerly, because once I heard their new stuff, I was a born again fan. But there is nothing worse, (in my opinion), then going to a concert and not being able to sing along to a respectable amount of the set list. Soo I bought the new CD, aaaaaaaand while I was at it, I picked up 3 more albums that caught my eye, (It happens, its fine, i won't eat this week, so worth it). Anyways, we're not even at the real story yet......

The real story starts after I leave the mall. I got to the mall around 8:15, and I left around 8:45, the mall closes at 9. So the mall, and the parking lot were pretty dead when I got there, and even deader when I left. So as I walk across the empty parking lot towards my car, I hear a male voice behind me say "Excuse me". But I keep on walking because obviously this unknown male has no reason to be talking to me. WRONG. I hear the "excuse me" again, and so this time I turn around, and see a reasonably sized black guy walking towards me. He says "Hey!". At this point, most people would probably have some sort of red flag alarm go off in their head......I can't say that happened to me. So I answer back, "hey". Now this guy is within an arms length away from me and the conversation goes as follows....

Him: Do you like Hip hop?
Me: umm, ya sure, I like hip hop, I like music
Him: Ya I saw the hmv bag. Do you want to buy my Hip hop album?
Me: I dunno, how much is it?
Him: 5 bucks
(Blonde girl, alone in a deserted parking lot, at night, proceeds to whip out her wallet next to stranger. Any red flags yet? nope)
Me: well I actually don't have $5, I paid for all my music on debit.
Him: Do you have any loonies or twoonies?
Me: ummmmmm...
(As I search for change, he proceeds to ask my about myself, where I'm from, school, etc. and we have a nice little chat)
Me: I only have 1.83 cents, and I'm sure your music is worth more than that
Him: No, I will take it, its not about the money its--
Me: --its about the music?
Him: Ya!
Me: Okay
(I give him $1.83, he gives me the Cd and we part ways)

It is not until I get into my car, that a bunch of red flags go off. Apparently my alarm system is delayed. Goooood, that's very useful. Everyone who I've told that story to tells me just how lucky I am, and how badly that could have went. And I know that, and believe it or not, I'm actually fairly street smart, and not quite as naive as this story makes me out to be. So I recognize how risky that situation was. However, I'm also kind of loving the fact that it happened for several reasons.....

1. I don't really do random risky things very often so it was a bit of a rush when I replayed the scenario

2. I love black people. So much. Probably more than politically correct amount to love them. So is that like a reverse different kind of racism? maybe. But the fact that the guy was black actually made me trust him more, and motivated me further to stop and chat. Is that weird? Possibly.

3. Most people he talked to that evening probably shut him down, or ignored him. So the fact that I didn't behave the way he probably expected me to, makes me rather pleased with myself.

So on the whole, did I enjoy my adventure? Yes. Am I going to get into the habit of talking to male strangers, alone, at night, in empty back parking lots? No. That would be pushing my luck a bit I think. I would like to think that I'm actually just super perceptive and I could tell that there was no danger and that's why no red flags went off, but that might be a little presumptuous. So I'm not too sure what to do with my internal alarm system. It'll probably be difficult to test it out again without putting myself in troublesome situations, but I'll see what I can do. In the meantime, I will continue to get enjoyment out of the memory of my little Wednesday night encounter. And the Cd I got for $1.83? Well I think Big Frost "Ask the Authorities" is feeling quite at home on my Cd shelf in between Boston and Celine Dion.

Feels Like Home to Me

I came home today. But home wasn't where it normally had been, and I can't pinpoint exactly when it changed locations. However, I can pinpoint the exact date when I changed location, so it had to have been sometime after that. Problem is, I'm not entirely convinced that I want this to be home. Scratch that, I'm not entirely convinced that I want this to be my only home. Can a person have two homes? Certainly a person can have multiple houses, and I suppose a person can feel at home in more than one spot. But can that overwhelming sense of belonging and comfort and ownership, be divided equally between two places? I don't think that it can. I think there will always be a stronger pull towards one place. So, I am nervous to return to my former home, because I am nervous to see whether it still feels like home to me. And if it does, and I feel as at home there as i used to, and equal to how I feel right now, then I would be happy to be proven wrong. But if I don't feel as at home, then that is far more troubling. That place that I have always called home is not something I'm quite ready to leave behind just yet.

Life is like a Rubik's Cube

Life is like a Rubik's Cube. Just think about it for a second........Full of colour and confusion and challenges. Most of the time life isn't perfect; at least mine isn't. Most of the time its all over the map. The colours are everywhere, and most of the time I have no idea how to start working things out.

Sometimes it seems like things are coming together. Sometimes I can get a whole side of the Rubik's Cube the same colour, without even knowing what to do. There are people out there, and I'm sometimes one of them, who look and act like they've got it all figured out. Sometimes they're very convincing, but most of the time they're only showing you one side, the one side that they've somehow put together for a moment. Usually the rest of them is a mess, a very colourful mess.

Anyone who knows how to do a Rubik's Cube will tell you that once you've solved the white side, you'll feel quite proud of yourself, but you have to continue with the following steps, which includes mixing up the white side again temporarily. Not even one part of our lives can stay perfect and orderly for any length of time before it has to get messed up again. Sometimes moving forwards feels like going backwards. Sometimes making amends feels like just opening up old wounds. Sometimes breaking up makes you feel like the last chapter of your life was a waste of time. But if someone is in control of your life who knows what they're doing, then eventually it will all work out in the end.

Sure, there's an easy way out, a quick fix, a short-cut. You could always peel all the stickers off the Rubik's Cube and make it look like you solved it. But that's not the way life was designed to be. Besides, the stickers will all lose their stickiness, you'll lose all the colours and all you will be left with is black.

So why don't you let someone else be in control. You'll be in for a lot of ups and downs. There will be times when things are really looking good, and there will be times when you'll be angry and confused because things seem worse than ever and you don't see how this could possibly be working towards something better. You can not see the master plan. And so sometimes you will rebel against the plan, and take steps of your own that may seem to move you in the right direction, but eventually you get stuck, and it takes longer for things to work out. But things will always work out in the end. When the colours all line up and order is restored, you will look back and see how each step was absolutely essential. And although there are multiple ways to solve the "problem" of life, you couldn't have figured out any of them alone. Thank God you're not expected to.

Both Sides of Me were pretty Optimistic Today

So this is how the internal conversation I had with myself today went as I was sitting in a kiddie pool and running with 3 yr olds through a sprinkler in 30 plus degree weather.....

Optimist: This is the life. How great is this!?
Pessimist: meh
Optimist: Seriously? Okay, what could be better than this?
Pessimist: Crashing through the waves on some tropical island with some ridiculously good looking boy, an unlimited supply of peanut M&Ms, and a castle to sleep in at night.
Optimist: ........
Pessimist: You're right, that wasn't really fair. Sorry
Optimist: Okay what is the second best way you can think of spending your day?
Pessimist: ........
Optimist: ???
Pessimist: Okay fine, probably this.
Optimist: :)

Raising Abnormal Kids

Dear world, stop screwing up every one's kids. I don't like the way most kids are being raised these days, so lets steer away from what is considered typical, and let me introduce you to Krista's 26 point guide on how to raise abnormal kids.

1.Parents should not be taking comfort or satisfaction in the knowledge that everyone else's kids are just as misbehaved and out of control as their own. Other's parent's shortcomings do not justify your own.

2. I sincerely believe that kids have not changed all that much over the centuries. they still all eat mud, and want other kids' toys, and miss their parents on the first day of kindergarten. But society has changed, and the standards for what is socially acceptable have changed, and it is reflected in today's kids. Well screw that, kids need to start with a black and white idea of what is right and wrong.

3.Children should not be heavily medicated. Stop making excuses for your child's behaviour! They don't need Ritalin, they don't need special treatment; what they need is consistency in their lives and parents with a backbone.

4. Children should never be defined by an illness or disorder. I am not denying the scientific proof that there are some medical/behavioural disorders that children can suffer from, (I do not believe that a child exits their mother's womb in a severely depressed or hyper-active state the requires immediate therapy), however there are some exceptions to the "don't medicate your child on a regular basis" rule. The point is, regardless of what is going on in a child's body, in terms of a handicap or other life struggle, it should not define them, or define the way others see them. A child should introduce themselves as, "Hi, I'm Johnny, I'm 7 years old, I like to play soccer and baseball and hockey and basketball, and ....and .... and.....". NOT: "Hi, I have ADHD, and sometimes I forget to take my meds, and my name is Johnny". If a child deals with something like ADHD, that's just one part of their life, one struggle that they will have to continually overcome, the same way another child may be having a really hard time making friends, or dealing with their parents divorce.

5. Parents should stop getting divorced. Like that is enough, when people are willingly accepting the "50% of married couples will get divorced statistic", something is very very wrong. I am tired of people refusing to take responsibility for their choices and actions. I'm tired of marriages being entered into flippantly. People think love is a feeling, and that they can fall in and out of love, this is half the problem. Love is NOT a feeling, it is not something that changes from day to day and spontaneously disappears. Who in their right mind would want to build a marriage on an inconsistent feeling? Love is a choice. You choose to get married? You choose to love someone regardless of whether you're having a crappy day or if they piss you off, or have bad breath in the morning. I think its possible for couples to enter into a marriage and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they will not divorced. Not getting divorced is also a choice, and a choice is an action, or in this case a series of actions. Like constantly working on that relationship and communicating, and staying faithful. If a couple cannot ensure a stable, loving, household and environment for their family, then don't bother bringing a child into this crazy world.

6.The second half of the problem is that people still think marriage is the solution, I love Disney, but they screwed us. Notice how most movies end at the marriage scene, or the "riding off into the sunset, just prior the wedding" part? Mhm, not always going to be a magic carpet ride over a castle with a handsome prince and household objects that do your bidding for the rest of your married life. Relationships=conflicts. Grow up, talk things out, admit your mistakes, grow together, learn from each other, and tell each other that you love each other every single day.

7. Children will model parents. Parents are (or should be), a child's first role model. If parents are rude to each other, the child will likely take on some of that rudeness. If a parent swears, then that parent shouldn't be surprised when their precious baby drops an f-bomb at a family gathering.

8. DISCIPLINE: its kind of a big deal. Stop lecturing your 2 year old on how "Breaking that lamp really hurt mommy's feelings, because Mommy's mommy, which would be grandma, gave it to her and it was blue, her favourite colour, and oh my goodness you could have cut yourself, and do you really think I have time to go out and buy another lamp today?!". Pick that child up, move them away from the broken fragments, check to make sure the child is not cut or broken, then slap that childs' hand, look them in the eyes and tell them "No". A different approach should be taken when your 16 year old calls you from a party drunk. Get your butt down to that party to pick up your child because there is a reason they called, let you child sleep off their first hangover, because it gives you a head start on their punishment. Then give your child a nice long list of household chores, take away tv privileges, and when they are ready, have the good long chat that you should have had years before you let them go to that party.

9. Children are not stupid. My 3 yr old cousin knows the way to church, to the lego store, to kidzone, to the grocery store, a number of malls, to his dad's work and home again. He knows the city better than me, and his sister dresses better than I do, and informs me when I don't match. Children should be given responsibility from a young age. Give your kids a chance to prove themselves to you. Building up trust with kids is so important if you want them to obey you and respect the relationship that you both have poured time into. I said not to lecture your 2 year olds, that statement still stands....however begin having BIG conversations with your kids from a young age. Talk about bullying before the go to school, have the drinking conversation when they ask to have a sip of your wine and you consider letting them. Have the sex talk before you let them watch Friends and before they have to hear it from their awkward teachers in gr.5.

10. I think child services need to take a chill pill. I respect what they are trying to do, but their methods seem a little whack sometimes. In my books, spanking is okay. As long as the parent isn't spanking to release their anger upon the child, and as long as the parent has just reason to do so.

11. Put your child in swimming lessons, (sorry, personal little rampage here). Put your child in swimming lessons and leave them in lessons until they know how to put on a lifejacket,can do laps around a backyard pool, tread for several minutes, demonstrate the steps for CPR, and jump into water without goggles and without plugging their nose.

12. Put your child in an arts and a sports program. Get your young child into music lessons or dance lessons, as well as on a soccer or baseball or other sports team. Just don't go over the top as a soccer mom.

13. Road trip with your kids from infancy. Not only will they achieve superior bladder control and fall asleep on command with the sound of a moving car around them, they will also learn to be patient and it makes all the shorter car trips seem like nothing.

14. Raise your own children. Get them out of everyday daycare, stop abandoning them for hours at the YMCA, and no, your kids do not need a nanny. You have authority issues with you kids? No wonder!! That's because they have 12 different authority figures in their life that they spend time with as often as with you.

15. Give your kids chores. Kids are capable. Especially farm kids, like I respect those kids a lot. If a farm kid can milk a cow, shovel hay, collect the chicken's eggs and feed the pigs, all before they go to school, then any kid can make their bed, tidy their toys, and clear their dishes from the table.

16. As a parent, you should be saying "No" more often than you say "Yes". Everyone in today's society has this idea of entitlement, and its worsening with every generation. Your kids are not entitled to unlimited tv time, the newest iPod, and a $20 weekly allowance.

17. Schools need to totally revamp themselves. Music, art, drama, dance, gym, and tech are equally as important in today's society as science and math and english. However, leave your children in public education. AVOID HOMESCHOOLING AT ALL COSTS. And don't strive to be like the family in 19 Kids and Counting, get those kids out of their bubble

18. Blur gender roles. Teach your son how to do his laundry and cook his favourite meals. Teach you daughter how to mow the lawn and how to put gas in the car.

19. Play the "What If" game with your child. "What if you don't make the sports team you tried out for? What if you get lost in the shopping mall? What if you think someone is following you? What if you are offered a cigarette?"

20. Eat dinner as a family. Talk about your day together, the highs and lows, laugh together, pray together. BE A FAMILY.

21. Take your kids to a funeral before they lose a grandparent.

22. Give your kids a world-view. Disney world is great, but try a missions trip and compare our child's attitude in the two trips.

23. If at all possible, save your kid from "Only Child Syndrome", have a second one.

24. Don't bubble wrap your kids. Let them fall and scrape their knees. Don't bathe them in disinfectant.

25. Save your yelling voice for when it really counts.

26.Tell your kids you love them, multiple times a day, everyday. Tell them after every argument, tell them after every major accomplishment. Tell them when they get up in the morning, and before the go to bed at night. There should never be any doubt in any child's mind that they are wholly and unconditionally loved.

Thank You John Mayer, you took the words right out of my mouth

Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes have faded
All my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here, get here

Searching all my days just to find you
Not sure what I'm looking for
I'll know it, when I see you
Until then I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?
Oh no way

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I'm so tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I'm so tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me

Question

So, I'm sitting in a coffee shop yesterday studying. The man at the table beside me turns to me and asks what I am studying, I tell him English. Then he asks me, "Is there any one particular book that I should read in the English language?"

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...try to come up with an answer for that one.

Poker Face

The smooth green velvety covering. The tense crooked smiles that surround the table. A hand is dealt, the game begins. She holds a pair of dark regal men in her hand, a promising beginning. At the centre of the table a pile begins to form, money, the least valuable form of currency in the game. The betting begins with time, she willingly calls. A card is turned, a scarlet man appears. Her heart beats loudly and subsides as the stakes are raised. Pride is now on the table, with slight hesitation she follows suit. Every player checks. A second card is drawn, a single diamond, currently useless, she sees some faces fall across the table. Independence hangs in the balance now and a player folds. Reluctantly she places hers in the centre, surely this is a game worth playing to the end. Another raise is called, they're asking for her reputation. She concedes, and considers that, worst case scenario, she can always win it back. Before the round is over, two more fold. There are only two players left in this high stakes game. She draws in a breath as the last card is revealed, one lonely heart. As her confidence peaks and she hides a grin, she looks up to see a smirk on the face of her only remaining opponent. Good news all around. Eyes downcast on the lone heart, she checks, fingers crossed in her lap. She dares a glance upwards hoping to see his lips form the same simple word. Instead he slowly places another lonely heart on the table, and steadily meets her gaze. Her poker face returns with a vengeance as an inner war is waged. She was willing to risk everything but..... It was worth all except.... The only way she could make that call was if she could see the cards in his hand, an impossibility. She looks at what she's given up, she weighs her options carefully. Then, with the winning hand, she folds.

Anticipating

Next year I am excited for...

• water that tastes like water instead of soap
• screen without squirrel holes in them
• toilets that aren't puked in every weekend
• quiet
• walls that aren't beige
• a yard
• my own parking space
• no more N64, guitar or singing at 4 am
• fridge/freezer space
• no more elevator to the 5th floor
• light fixtures on the ceiling where they belong
• no more fire drills
• an oven with the temperatures marked on it
• no one having sex in the room above me
• floors that I'm not afraid to walk on in bare feet
• crazy good times with people I love

Full Circle

Loneliness. The sum of all the many emotions she feels. Loneliness, a stranger to her, a fresh feeling. And at the end of the day she cries from loneliness, she holds herself together as her breath is lost in heaving sobs. There is no one to comfort her, no one to hold and reassure her, no one at all that can do a damn thing in the moment she needs it. That sensation of a hole in your chest, it exists, she feels that too, startled into almost silence by the pain of it. There are no hugs or lullabies for tonight. There are only these tears, and the laughter from the ignorants in the next room. Self-hatred brings on a fresh wave of tears as she fights the internal conflict of pulling herself together, or crying herself to sleep. Rationality and logic win out in the end, and instead of succumbing to the total release of her tears, they are cut short. And they are soon forgotten amongst the mountain of tasks she busies herself with. Running, hiding, forgetting, denying, and everything returned to how it had been, and at last she was still. Lonely.

Tragedy

Oh pretty girl, you were not meant for this. Wipe your eyes and melt your heart. For now just let it hurt. Oh pretty girl, these words were never meant to come from your mouth, your heart was never meant to feel this. Oh pretty girl, this bitterness does not become you. Rise above the hatred and the insults and the grudges. Above the blaming and the lying and the drama, and revenge. You are more than this version of yourself. You are stronger and better than all of this. I know you think you are weak, and that's its too hard, and you are, and it is. But you know someone who can bring out the absolute best in you, a version of yourself that glows and improves everyday. Sometimes I think you forget this. Sometimes I wonder if you forget that you know someone who can make you that better person, a stronger person, a person strong enough to face even this impossible task that I've presented you with. Oh pretty girl, I wish you could see yourself clearly. I wish for just one moment you could truly see your own beauty and not question it, dissect it, or deny it. Do not let them taint you. Do not let them poison your compassionate heart or cause you to cry. You are created for so much more than this. Your value extends far beyond what you may feel in this moment, far beyond what you've ever been told. Oh pretty girl, rise above the ugliness of this world.

To Hell with Subtlety

Most days I think we've got this. Most days I think that its inevitable, and I'm just waiting for you to figure it out. Some days you impress me, some days I'll look into your eyes and see something there. But there are other days, other times when you've forced me to second guess myself. Days when I wonder if you're actually as oblivious as you sometimes appear.
I know we're friends. I know you trust me. But is that it, is that all? I know that other people see it. I don't think I can just be the advice giver. I don't know if I can continue to play the carefree friend. I don't know why you keep giving me hope, and I'm not sure if I keep asking for it.
I can't understand your life or where its going. I can't understand your heart or what it wants. I can't understand your mind or what you're thinking, mostly. But sometimes I see you really trying to figure life out, sometimes I see you going for love and I get it, sometimes I'm able to finish your sentences, or even speak your thoughts out loud.
To the one who lacks initiative, when we've spent two hours talking alone, and we've both poured out parts of our hearts, and we're walking back together, that would be an appropriate time to hold my hand. To the one who needs a clue, when we're walking in the rain, side by side, and I'm without and umbrella, the appropriate gesture would be to share yours, even if I swear I'm fine. To the one I can't stop thinking about, after you've openly admitted your reluctance for physical contact, and later pulled me into a hug that I never asked for, the appropriate follow up action may include a coffee and another good long chat.
These are just several examples of things I really should tell you, but I won't. I'm scared, and you've got me, and I hate it, in part. I hate not knowing what's going to happen, or not happen. I don't know my plan, and I don't know God's plan, and I don't know if you've ever had a plan in your life. But I know that when I look into your eyes, I wish I didn't have to look away so soon. I know that when your arms are around me, I feel your reluctance to let go and I wish I didn't have to make myself pull away. I know that when you say my name, everything inside me smiles, but I also know that my face shows you indifference, and I wish it didn't have to be that way. And I know that you don't know any of this, but I kinda wish you did.

I Can't Watch This

Dear God, do you remember that one time I prayed that prayer? You know, the one about messing with someones life a bit. The one about something heartbreaking and life changing? Ya, I thought you might remember. Well, I take it back, I take it all back. I take back the "this would be best for them"s, and the "afterwards they would finally get it"s. Because this is not what I had in mind, this is not what I asked for. I can't watch them struggle with this and bravely find the strength that I"m not even sure I would be able to find. Its too hard, especially with this on my conscience. So if I had anything to do with this I immediately withdraw my support. And I withdraw my call for any other events of this nature. I didn't realize that it would hurt me too. Because I really care, not in the same way I used to, but enough. Please God reverse the direction these events seem to be taking.

This?

I would just like to inform you that this isn't the end of the world. I would just like to inform you that this is not something worth falling apart over. There are certain things that are worth that, you know of some too, but this, this isn't one of them. After everything that has happened, can you still not put your problems in perspective? Can't you find an ounce of strength to face this molehill? Step back, take a breath and then step up. This is life, live it. Sometimes everything just isn't enough to make you happy. Sometimes all the friends in the world aren't enough to break through your own self pity. I would just like to inform you that its time to grow up.

Doors

I feel yet again that peaceful indifference. The slow creeping numbness after a surrender. There is certainly a part of me that mourns. For it has been like watching the swinging of a door in a summer breeze.
In a room of open windows, the door opens minutely, only to slowly retreat and brush against its frame, then to be pulled open once more, wider, before rushing back into place. Such has been the upheaval of one part of my life, but as I am able to compartmentalize, all other aspects remain mainly intact, untouched. And just as there is the sound of rushing wind to warn of a slamming door, there was equally, in comparison, enough warning to prepare for the onslaught of such emotions. Yet, to be honest, I have rarely felt less emotional; whether that be due to my overwhelming fatigue, overall loss of interest, or possession of a heart two sizes too small, I can only speculate.
There is another image, again involving a door, that also comes to mind. I am racing through a maze, hitting dead end after dead end, when finally I see a door. As I run and reach to open it, I realize that this too is a dead end, a painted door. A clever illusion that now silently mocks me. If this were a dream, I would at this point wake up short of breath, seeing that I was very alone in an impossible maze with an infinite number of choices and no solution.
I can learn from this however, learn to avoid the door in the maze, and though I will always retain a small measure of hope, I refuse to set myself up for disappointment. It is easier to walk into a blank and uninviting wall and change course, but it is ever so much more difficult to be tempted by an irresistible possibility and turn your back on it. And if the maze does prove to be unsolvable, I will have to find humour in that, and content myself with exploring each and every corner of that labyrinth instead of only searching for an exit.
Parallel to this, if I instead find myself distracted by a soft wind playing on the hinges of a real door, I must learn to avert my eyes. For while the door will likely not remained permanently closed, I should not expect it to remain permanently open either.

One Weak

Up on the fifth floor I step off the elevator, it's the first room on the left. The familiar apartment that is neither a house nor a home. Back again, not that it was a choice. There are days when I wonder if this was the right choice in the first place. Or maybe that's not quite it, because I don't think this was a wrong choice. I'm just not sure it was the best choice.

I sleep in on Monday. Half the day is gone, the week is half a day shorter. My afternoon swim wakes me up, but I have to control my thoughts while I'm swimming otherwise I miss you. Monday's psych lecture is dreaded every week. Two and a half hours of daydreaming. Freud's idea of subconscious wish fulfillment. Yes, Monday is the worst. I miss you the most on Monday.

Then there's Tuesday, such a long day, no time to daydream in class. But then there's my evening swim and when my focus is gone I can see you clearly in my mind. And then at night, you're right behind my eyelids and I dream of you the clearest on Tuesday.

On Wednesday I fill my day with chores and errands. I make my way through a pile of dishes and laundry. Work is a welcome distraction on Wednesday, and at the end of the day I'm exhausted. I try to forget you the most on Wednesday.

Thursday is my last four classes, and suitcase packing, and a car ride home infused with every song that reminds me of you. But sometimes Thursday doesn't come until Friday, so then sometimes Thursday is the hardest. You are at the foremost front of my mind on Thursday.

And when the weekend comes I am relieved and also anxious, because what do I have to look forward to but a million more Mondays of missing you, Tuesdays of picturing you, Wednesdays of forgetting you, and Thursdays of remembering you.

It amazes me how well I do get through most weeks. I'm caught off guard by my moments of weakness. This week I was weak. Maybe next weak will be different.

A Miny Epiphany

There was a time when the immensity of it all would have scared me. There was a time when I was only at peace with what I'd already known or expected. but, time changes things, as does a global perspective in this case., and the immensity of life doesn't seem quite as intimidating anymore. It no longer seems like an earth stopping tragedy if my plans don't turn out the way I expect them too. And what I know is so pathetic in comparison to what I have yet to learn. For the longest time I have been living my life trying to stay within the shadow of a future I cannot predict nor control. My long term goals and dreams have always been solid, well defined, practically carved in stone. What has really been missing was short term goals, things that motivate me from day to day. things that keep me living in the moment, as opposed to wishing it was 5 years down the road. I feel closer now than ever to understanding what it is to live with purpose. I finally feel like the main character in my life. I plan to no longer meet people's expectations, I plan to dismiss them or surpass them. I plan to get rid of the plan. Nothing ever goes according the plan anyways. So I'm going to play it by ear and by heart.