Doors

I feel yet again that peaceful indifference. The slow creeping numbness after a surrender. There is certainly a part of me that mourns. For it has been like watching the swinging of a door in a summer breeze.
In a room of open windows, the door opens minutely, only to slowly retreat and brush against its frame, then to be pulled open once more, wider, before rushing back into place. Such has been the upheaval of one part of my life, but as I am able to compartmentalize, all other aspects remain mainly intact, untouched. And just as there is the sound of rushing wind to warn of a slamming door, there was equally, in comparison, enough warning to prepare for the onslaught of such emotions. Yet, to be honest, I have rarely felt less emotional; whether that be due to my overwhelming fatigue, overall loss of interest, or possession of a heart two sizes too small, I can only speculate.
There is another image, again involving a door, that also comes to mind. I am racing through a maze, hitting dead end after dead end, when finally I see a door. As I run and reach to open it, I realize that this too is a dead end, a painted door. A clever illusion that now silently mocks me. If this were a dream, I would at this point wake up short of breath, seeing that I was very alone in an impossible maze with an infinite number of choices and no solution.
I can learn from this however, learn to avoid the door in the maze, and though I will always retain a small measure of hope, I refuse to set myself up for disappointment. It is easier to walk into a blank and uninviting wall and change course, but it is ever so much more difficult to be tempted by an irresistible possibility and turn your back on it. And if the maze does prove to be unsolvable, I will have to find humour in that, and content myself with exploring each and every corner of that labyrinth instead of only searching for an exit.
Parallel to this, if I instead find myself distracted by a soft wind playing on the hinges of a real door, I must learn to avert my eyes. For while the door will likely not remained permanently closed, I should not expect it to remain permanently open either.