Ever since I can remember, I've had this beautiful master plan to avoid getting my heart broken. Its simple really, it only has two parts, its been executed flawlessly countless times.
Phase 1 has always been denial. By putting out a strong mental offensive, I've been able to ward off several potential threats. However, sometimes experiences, time, and conversations put up an impressive counter-attack, and occasionally the mental battle is lost. This is always a great tragedy that I try to avoid at all costs. None the less, when phase 1 fails, I begin working through phase 2.
But before phase 2 is instigated, there is an interlude of varying length during which I allow myself to daydream of reciprocated feelings and situations in which I actually end up happy. But when it becomes clear that this is hopeless, phase 2 is launched with a vengance.
Phase 2 involves finding weaknesses, flaws, that I can ponder and exaggerate and combine into deal breakers. Phase 2 provides me with an escape route before defeat or rejection cripples me. Phase 2 has never failed, not once, not until now.
You see, you're the flaw in the plan. My mental blockade could not keep you out, and now you've rendered phase 2 useless. I've launched a full, systematic search to try to find your flaws so that I can forget about you, but it ends without results. I can't find any flaws, not one. Which would be spectacular, if there was any chance that this would work out. As it is, I'm running out of time, and I will not let the days run out without finding proof that you are in some way imperfect. Its one thing to make me feel physically self-conscious, but to cause me to question if I'm even a good enough person? I have no phase 3 to deal with that.
Everyday that goes by with you, as flawless as ever, I grow a little more intrigued, a little bit weaker, and a little more fearful of the end result of all this. The war is not yet over, but I see now the flaw in my plan, and I think I know the outcome.
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