Settling

I am absolutely, positively dreading the conversation it seems I must have with you. There are times when I feel it hanging in the air above us, when I slip up, when I say too much, or when you do. But thus far I have avoided it, and I will continue to steer clear and feign ignorance of the whole situation. I am so glad I can find humour in it. If a year ago someone had told me how I would be feeling, I would have been more than skeptical. To think that we have come a full 360 degrees without a single world of true feelings being spoken. Its still like something out of a movie.

Its not such a bad idea really. Its not like people haven't subtly and obnoxiously suggested it before. Its not like it hasn't crossed my mind a thousand times. I'm just not in that place anymore, and if you're being honest I don't think you're really there either. I think you're just realizing what I realized over a year ago, that this would be easy, that it almost makes sense, that it is almost meant to be.

The problem is, I don't think I can settle for almost, although some days I wish I could. Of course in some twisted ways it could be considered romantic. Outwardly I'm sure we could pull it off, but I don't think I could handle the guilt. The guilt of knowing that out relationship would be built on a lie. The guilt of fooling everyone that cares for us. The guilt of trying to fool ourselves into believing that lie. I don't think I could handle knowing that I'm the consolation, and I don't think I could do that to you either.

So please don't force this upon us. At least not yet, at least not until the desperation outweighs the guilt. At least not until I've ruled out all possible #1's. At least not until I've given up hope. Then I'll be your always and forever, with almost all my heart.