Sunday, October 26, 2008

So Many Fears

I used to be afraid to fail, to let people down, to feel their disappointment. Now I'm more afraid to succeed, to have people rely on me, to feel the burden of responsibility.
I used to be afraid of my future, of everything I'm headed towards or headed away from. Now I'm more afraid of revisiting the past, and looking back on things that can't be changed. Afraid of encountering regret.
I used to be afraid of never getting married. Afraid of spending my life alone. Now I'm afraid of never finding true love. And I'm still afraid of spending the rest of my life alone.
I used to be afraid of lying and being found out. Now I realize that lying is the easy part. I'm much more afraid of being honest and owning up to the truth.
I used to be afraid of opening up, of being vulnerable. Now I'm more afraid of what will happen if I continue to close myself off.
I used to be afraid of being lost in the sea of people everyday. Afraid of becoming just another face to everyone. Now I'm afraid of what It will be like if I'm ever found. Afraid of being the one face that sticks out to someone.
I used to be afraid of love, and I guess I still am. Afraid to release my heart, and let myself go there. Afraid of bonding myself to another person, and being somehow dependant on them. Now I'm more afraid to lose, afraid of having it all ripped away from me.
I used to be afraid of dying. Afraid of everything that may come after. Afraid of facing the things I'm not quite sure of. Now I'm more afraid of facing everything I do know. Now I'm more afraid of living.

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