One Decision

I sit here on this fence. I straddle this borderline. I am at an impasse between the realms of good and evil. And as I am standing here, the longer I am standing here, it becomes gradually more difficult to differentiate between the two sides. I imagine that if there were a visible line as a divider it would be grey. Not simply because black and white combined creates grey, because I am confident that most things in this world are more complicated than just black and white. When every colour imaginable is mixed together, the resulting colour is grey, every time. Just like the finger paintings of over-zealous children who want to make a rainbow, but don't know enough to keep the colours separate.
So I stand here on my imaginary grey line and shift my weight from one foot to the other. I wish it was easy to just pick a side. If that were the case I would have done it already. I tend to gravitate towards the easiest path, for better, or for worse. However, there is no easy path to be found leading one way or the other. And as I continue to stand here longer contemplating the direction of my life, the grey line thickens. Black and white burst into a vibrant rainbow and I am stunned into confused silence. The choice that had seemed difficult at best now seems impossible. Time steadily marches on past me and my indecision, and everything seems to mock me, as if saying that the choice is obvious and I am simply too unintelligent to see it. Instead of finding clarity or resolution, I am faced with the strong desire to drown in the grey. After all, grey makes perfect sense to me right now; a compromise, a middle ground. Perhaps I have found my easy way after all, walking the broadening grey line. Or maybe I should just take a step blindly and hope that it a step in the right direction. And as I contemplate this step of faith, all the many colours disappear, and I am once again faced with nothing more than black and white. And maybe the decision was never really that hard in the first place, after all, it's all just in my head.

So Many Fears

I used to be afraid to fail, to let people down, to feel their disappointment. Now I'm more afraid to succeed, to have people rely on me, to feel the burden of responsibility.
I used to be afraid of my future, of everything I'm headed towards or headed away from. Now I'm more afraid of revisiting the past, and looking back on things that can't be changed. Afraid of encountering regret.
I used to be afraid of never getting married. Afraid of spending my life alone. Now I'm afraid of never finding true love. And I'm still afraid of spending the rest of my life alone.
I used to be afraid of lying and being found out. Now I realize that lying is the easy part. I'm much more afraid of being honest and owning up to the truth.
I used to be afraid of opening up, of being vulnerable. Now I'm more afraid of what will happen if I continue to close myself off.
I used to be afraid of being lost in the sea of people everyday. Afraid of becoming just another face to everyone. Now I'm afraid of what It will be like if I'm ever found. Afraid of being the one face that sticks out to someone.
I used to be afraid of love, and I guess I still am. Afraid to release my heart, and let myself go there. Afraid of bonding myself to another person, and being somehow dependant on them. Now I'm more afraid to lose, afraid of having it all ripped away from me.
I used to be afraid of dying. Afraid of everything that may come after. Afraid of facing the things I'm not quite sure of. Now I'm more afraid of facing everything I do know. Now I'm more afraid of living.

Second Verse Same as the First

We didn't cross that line
Was it smart or foolish
Played it safe this time
I don't know what this is
Or what you want this to be

There's that awkward silence
Where no one says anything
We sit in quiet
I don't know what to think
What do you want me to say

It's foreign land
I've never been here before
I try to shrug it off
But then I worry some more
Rationalizing everything you do
My conscience's shot
Decisions in lingo
I can't decide
So why don't you let me know
If this all leads me back to you

Oops!

oops! I trusted you again, for too long. Long enough for you to know I trusted you. Oops, you broke my trust again. I expected more, I shouldn't have

Things I Truly Hated as a Child

Every so often, one remembers things about themselves. Things from their past. For me these things are : the uncomfortable tightness of the jeans I refused to wear ~ The annoying black elastics of my spandex pants, the ones that cut off the circulation in my feet, at least until I cut them off ~ The shocking cold after I step out of the shower ~ The excessive heat from the blow dryer ~ The feeling of sleeping on a towel with wet hair ~ Turtle necks that slowly choke you, really tight ponytails that leave a kink in your hair ~ Having my hair brushed, through the knots ~ Zucchini, especially when mixed with strawberry milk ~ Throwing up ~ Trying to kick a soccer ball ~ Failing at anything ~ Practicing piano ~ Getting splashed ~ Getting my face wet ~ Rain ~ Sleeping in a tent ~ Anything made of wool ~ Eating oranges ~ Having to hide my oranges in the couch ~ Watching scary movies like Chicken Run ~ Going to the cottage ~ Wearing thong flip flops ~ Yogurt, except for strawberry ~ Bunnies, the ones that pee on you and the couch ~ Going to the dentist ~ Losing a tooth ~ The colour blue ~ Having short hair ~ Being force fed porridge ~ Soap, except if I was feeding it to my brother ~ Sleeping in past 8 ~ Having to type properly ~ Painting my nails . These are the things I truly hated as a child.

Crash and Burn

Crash and burn
I know that I'll pay later
For every thought I have about you now
Every word
Engraves itself into my skin
How stupid can I really be
That i would let you get to me
And now I'm even more in debt
Drowning drowning in regret
So now I think you're right to bet
Against me getting free
Everything
Is worse off than the last time
It all reminds me of your existence
Nothing's safe
It all points back to you
How stupid can I really be
That I would let you get to me'
Each smile makes me fall apart
I have such a pathetic heart
Owning up is good to start
To start becoming free

Dreaming of Sailboats

Pulled into the driveway of the home I've always dreamed of

And in my dream someone's coming rushing out to me

The life I've always wanted

The life that I've been waiting for

Just a couple years more

Finishing college, we've just got one year left to go

And I know that we're ready for whatever's out there

Our first little apartment

No furniture, eat on the floor

In a couple years more

We'll be wrapped in our housecoats

Dreaming of sailboats

Sipping stale coffee

And saving our dimes

Huddled by the fireplace

All of our doubts erased

We're young and we're free

Baby, just you and me

Outside the window I know that none of them get it

With you I see paradise in this main street landscape

One day we'll fix up what's outside

Of our ivy covered walls

With a couple years more

And I'll get all that I'm missing

At last do more than wishing

In a couple years more

You'll play guitar and sing to

That song and I will fall for you

Just like I did that first time

And that feeling of elation

Will be more than confirmation

That all my wildest dreams came true

In a couple years more

In a couple years more

In a couple years more

In a couple years more

We'll be wrapped in our housecoats

Dreaming of sailboats

Sipping stale coffee

And saving our dimes

Huddled by the fireplace

All of our doubts erased

We're young and we're free

Baby just you and me

What if we dreamed?

It's not really a clear sky tonight. The moon is really only half visible through the cloud cover. It's not the perfect night for stargazing, but sometimes these things get put off or forgotten about. This isn't where I wanted to see the stars from, but often we must make do with second best, because often life takes us somewhere unexpected. As I look at life, I really can't make any sense of it. I can't see how there's a point to any of this. I can't see how we'll ever find peace in this world. I can't see the path my life is supposed to take, or where I'm supposed to find my future. But somehow, I can see all that in the stars. Not in the constellations or in the riddles of astrology, none of that means anything. But sometimes I feel like, even though I know that the stars are millions of light years away, sometimes it feels like if I jumped high enough, maybe I could grasp just one. Even if none of us ever get there, what's there to keep us going in life if we don't have our dreams. Dreams so far fetched and impossible that we are surely the only ones to ever believe in them. And what if we dreamed for peace? When I look at the stars in their stillness, in their harmony and sanctitude with one another, it doesn't show me peace in the heavens. It shows me a reflection of something we could have here. And what if we dreamed for purpose? When I look at the stars and see how some shine brighter than others, I know that those stars are not necessarily bigger or closer or more astonishing than the other stars. I somehow find the purpose in being who I am, maybe I need to question it sometimes, but why hide a star from the world? And what if we dreamed of love? What of love? I haven't the slightest comprehension of love and it seems that even the universe can't make sense of it. If one of the stars disappeared from the sky one night, I doubt anyone would even notice. I don't believe that we live in this world of fairytale plots where everyone gets their happily ever after. But if we all can't have happily ever after, can't we all just live happy, for as much time as we have? If one of the stars disappeared from the sky tonight I doubt anyone would notice. Then again, maybe someone would. After all, I can't be the only one looking at the stars.

Returning

Who could've guessed that it would feel like this to come back. I hadn't thought about it, I didn't consider how it would affect me. But that seems foolish now, I should have prepared myself, because this is the weirdest feeling ever. It's as if I'm walking through a graveyard. Not in a morbid way, but it's the quiet, peaceful, emptiness that makes it feel like that now. I suppose lonely would be another word for it. I keep expecting to see people, it's like a continuous deja vu. I know it sound cliche, but everything is different now, it looks different, it feels different. This is probably what it feels like to attend your high school reunion. To see people you once knew, and know that nothing will ever be as it was then, and these people are not the same as you remember them. Or maybe it's like visiting as old house that you've long since moved out of and is now inhabited by different people. It might be the same house, but it's no longer home, it's been redecorated, it smells different, the atmosphere it different, so different it's almost uncomfortable. It's not that I don't still love it here, well actually I can't figure out whether I love it or hate it right now, but either way it's such a strong emotion that this place will stick with me. This place is like my own personal graveyard. Even though the memories have began to fade and remembering the stories is harder. This place is still full of things I have sacrificed and left behind. Returning here is inevitable, it is impossible to stay away. The connections I have to this place make it an integral part of my life. It will never go back to being just a place.

Hidden World

A thin sliver of light shines through the doorway, she had left the door open just a crack. Not enough to allow anyone to see through, not quite enough for her to see out. If you could see in you would see that her blankets are covered in wet splotches from catching her tears. Kleenex is scattered across the bed and there are perfect imprints from where her black eyelashes touched the covers and left marks. If you could see in you would see her biting down on her bottom lip, suppressing the screams of anguish that long to escape her. If you could see in you would see the way she grips her pillow, as if she were clinging to life itself. If you could see in, you would see her confused face, you could watch her as she wonders. If one learns to endure physical pain, will emotional pain hurt less? Will it be easier to become like stone? If you could see in, you would see her staring blankly at the mirror, and in her eyes you might be able to glimpse the distorted image that stares blankly back. She feels her last meal rotting inside her and knows how relieving it will feel to throw it all up. There's a sliver of light that shines through her doorway. Not quite enough for anyone to see in.

The Clouds

Every great romantic, every famous author, every talented poet has passed time looking at the clouds. They've wondered at their beauty and their shape. How many artists have tried to capture their essence? How many children lie down to watch them each day? Any good philosopher, any renownd thinker can tell you this, as can i , and i am neither great nor talented; we are like the clouds. Just as unique, just as individually fascinating, and each just as easily over looked. Clouds are constantly moving and changing. They drift across the sky with no real destination, just like the journey of our lives. Clouds can bring peace and the feeling of a happy calm, or clouds and bring angst and a feeling of dread. Sometimes things build up inside a cloud and the cloud changes. The cloud tries to hold itself together, and in doing so it changes appearance. And sometimes clouds cry. Sometimes they're exceptionally emotional and there is a flood of tears. When the clouds have no tears left to cry, they might find their old selves again, or they might have crossed the line of no return. They might be unrecognizable, and they continue to drift. Sometimes new clouds appear, and sometimes clouds disappear. Sometimes clouds join together and sometimes clouds drift apart. It's all part of nature's cycle, it's all part of the circle of life. Everyday, clouds bask in the light of the sun. Some clouds block the sun's light from reaching the earth, some willingly let it's light through. The sun will always shine, it's light will always reach the earth, eventually. Some clouds are closer to the sun, some clouds are closer to the earth. As a cloud drifts closer or farther from the sun it changes. it has to change, it cannot move closer to the sun without changing. For a cloud, and for us, change is part of life. Clouds have learned to except that. But we, unlike the clouds have a choice. We have control over the changes in our lives. Each choice will bring a change and with each change comes another choice. Life is a journey of choices and of change. And sometimes when we're having trouble with that, it helps to take a second and look up at the clouds. You know, we are like the clouds.

Deeper Still

Your eyes are deeper still than the ocean of lies i try to tell you. If your eyes meet mine I have no doubt they'll see truth.

Your eyes are deeper still than my vast abyss of worries. When your eyes look into mine I find nothing but clarity, and absolute calm.

Your eyes are deeper still than the expanse of my fears. When you look me in the eyes, I know I can be brave

But your eyes are not deep enough

More Than Rich

Shes gotten everything she's ever wanted and everything she never thought to ask for. It's not that she's greedy really, she's just loved, and definitely spolied. She's not rich, she's more than that, she's fortunate. Fortunate enough to not be considered poor, fortunate enough to have everything the rich want but can't have. Money can't buy family, money can't buy loyalty, the kind that never falters. Money can't buy faith or truth or salvation. She has all that and more, and yet she can still sit around somedays and feel sorry for herself. She wonders why life is seems so pointless as she hoards her blessings and walks through life with tunnel vision. She has far more than any perosn needs. Far more than a selfish person wants. She has the perfect life, it's okay, you can say it.

Armadillo

What's with this girl? She's beautiful and she's smart, and she's got bruises all over her body. Some think her father's abusive, some swear it's her mom, other put their money on an ex-boyfriend. But the question isn't which one?
What's with this girl? She's got bruises all over her heart. She's in and out of relationships like clockwork, and yet for some reason she pours her whole heart into each one. They've promised her lies, they've kept them all. They've cheated her, maybe beaten her, and before she knows it, she's letting them.
What's with this girl? She's got bruises all over her pride. She's been built up and torn down too many times for anyone to count, and somewhere along the way she just couldn't pick up all the pieces. She doesn't have time to rebuild herself before the next fatal blow. So she lays among the rubble, hoping that if a mighty fortress wasn't enough stop the army, then maybe it's fallen wreckage will be.
What's with this girl? There's bruises all over her self-image. Each school picture shows a new hurting face, one that grows thinner each year. It's not enough though, it's never enough, for her father, for herself. People notice, but it would be rude to comment.
What's with this girl? She's got bruises all over her friendships. She's got friends, probably too many, and as each new friend becomes one of the hundred, she also disappears into the many faces of popularity. She immerses herself into the lives of others to block out the troubles in her own life. I wonder if any of her friends ever stopped to ask.... "What's with this girl? She's beautiful, she's smart, and she's bruised."