Still Okay

I have briefly escaped from winter for the second year in a row. I shouldn't be so lucky, or rather, so fortunate. And whilst the new year rolls in as I am entering an unfamiliar hemisphere, I cannot completely stifle feelings of disappointment. The start of a new year always means the end of the old. With that, for me at least, comes many bittersweet reflections. Its pathetic of course, this self pity. My life could hardly be much better. Though its human nature I suppose, to long to for that which we do not have. Its too easy to embrace the feelings of entitlement and to complain of life's injustices and imperfections. Most people would remark over how much has changed in a year, but I cannot bring myself to do that. I do not see that very much has changed at all. Not in terms of my own life at least. I long for change, for challenges, struggles, and new adventures. I'm tired of stability and of waiting and of keeping it all together. I'm tired of looking back at yet another year and saying, "There goes another one, and everything is still.....just......fine". Some people would say that's a blessing, and I wouldn't contradict them. I don't wish to seem ungrateful for the life I've been given. I just wish I could measure passages of time with more than varying expressions of okay. I pray that in one years time, I would have some grasp on the one thing that still eludes me. The small black hole in my paradise.

Rejoice

This us what true friendship is supposed to be. This exuberant happiness when something wonderful happens in the life of another. The jealously that would normally be present is so fiercely overpowered by joy. Joy because of your joy, and nothing but. Thank goodness that real friendship still exists. Sometimes I have wondered whether distance or time would take their toll, as they have in other circumstances. However, this reminder has renewed my hope in love, joy, and friendship.


"Rejoice with those who rejoice" Romans 12:15a

The Flaw in the Plan

Ever since I can remember, I've had this beautiful master plan to avoid getting my heart broken. Its simple really, it only has two parts, its been executed flawlessly countless times.

Phase 1 has always been denial. By putting out a strong mental offensive, I've been able to ward off several potential threats. However, sometimes experiences, time, and conversations put up an impressive counter-attack, and occasionally the mental battle is lost. This is always a great tragedy that I try to avoid at all costs. None the less, when phase 1 fails, I begin working through phase 2.

But before phase 2 is instigated, there is an interlude of varying length during which I allow myself to daydream of reciprocated feelings and situations in which I actually end up happy. But when it becomes clear that this is hopeless, phase 2 is launched with a vengance.

Phase 2 involves finding weaknesses, flaws, that I can ponder and exaggerate and combine into deal breakers. Phase 2 provides me with an escape route before defeat or rejection cripples me. Phase 2 has never failed, not once, not until now.

You see, you're the flaw in the plan. My mental blockade could not keep you out, and now you've rendered phase 2 useless. I've launched a full, systematic search to try to find your flaws so that I can forget about you, but it ends without results. I can't find any flaws, not one. Which would be spectacular, if there was any chance that this would work out. As it is, I'm running out of time, and I will not let the days run out without finding proof that you are in some way imperfect. Its one thing to make me feel physically self-conscious, but to cause me to question if I'm even a good enough person? I have no phase 3 to deal with that.

Everyday that goes by with you, as flawless as ever, I grow a little more intrigued, a little bit weaker, and a little more fearful of the end result of all this. The war is not yet over, but I see now the flaw in my plan, and I think I know the outcome.

Settling

I am absolutely, positively dreading the conversation it seems I must have with you. There are times when I feel it hanging in the air above us, when I slip up, when I say too much, or when you do. But thus far I have avoided it, and I will continue to steer clear and feign ignorance of the whole situation. I am so glad I can find humour in it. If a year ago someone had told me how I would be feeling, I would have been more than skeptical. To think that we have come a full 360 degrees without a single world of true feelings being spoken. Its still like something out of a movie.

Its not such a bad idea really. Its not like people haven't subtly and obnoxiously suggested it before. Its not like it hasn't crossed my mind a thousand times. I'm just not in that place anymore, and if you're being honest I don't think you're really there either. I think you're just realizing what I realized over a year ago, that this would be easy, that it almost makes sense, that it is almost meant to be.

The problem is, I don't think I can settle for almost, although some days I wish I could. Of course in some twisted ways it could be considered romantic. Outwardly I'm sure we could pull it off, but I don't think I could handle the guilt. The guilt of knowing that out relationship would be built on a lie. The guilt of fooling everyone that cares for us. The guilt of trying to fool ourselves into believing that lie. I don't think I could handle knowing that I'm the consolation, and I don't think I could do that to you either.

So please don't force this upon us. At least not yet, at least not until the desperation outweighs the guilt. At least not until I've ruled out all possible #1's. At least not until I've given up hope. Then I'll be your always and forever, with almost all my heart.