Full Circle

Loneliness. The sum of all the many emotions she feels. Loneliness, a stranger to her, a fresh feeling. And at the end of the day she cries from loneliness, she holds herself together as her breath is lost in heaving sobs. There is no one to comfort her, no one to hold and reassure her, no one at all that can do a damn thing in the moment she needs it. That sensation of a hole in your chest, it exists, she feels that too, startled into almost silence by the pain of it. There are no hugs or lullabies for tonight. There are only these tears, and the laughter from the ignorants in the next room. Self-hatred brings on a fresh wave of tears as she fights the internal conflict of pulling herself together, or crying herself to sleep. Rationality and logic win out in the end, and instead of succumbing to the total release of her tears, they are cut short. And they are soon forgotten amongst the mountain of tasks she busies herself with. Running, hiding, forgetting, denying, and everything returned to how it had been, and at last she was still. Lonely.

Tragedy

Oh pretty girl, you were not meant for this. Wipe your eyes and melt your heart. For now just let it hurt. Oh pretty girl, these words were never meant to come from your mouth, your heart was never meant to feel this. Oh pretty girl, this bitterness does not become you. Rise above the hatred and the insults and the grudges. Above the blaming and the lying and the drama, and revenge. You are more than this version of yourself. You are stronger and better than all of this. I know you think you are weak, and that's its too hard, and you are, and it is. But you know someone who can bring out the absolute best in you, a version of yourself that glows and improves everyday. Sometimes I think you forget this. Sometimes I wonder if you forget that you know someone who can make you that better person, a stronger person, a person strong enough to face even this impossible task that I've presented you with. Oh pretty girl, I wish you could see yourself clearly. I wish for just one moment you could truly see your own beauty and not question it, dissect it, or deny it. Do not let them taint you. Do not let them poison your compassionate heart or cause you to cry. You are created for so much more than this. Your value extends far beyond what you may feel in this moment, far beyond what you've ever been told. Oh pretty girl, rise above the ugliness of this world.

To Hell with Subtlety

Most days I think we've got this. Most days I think that its inevitable, and I'm just waiting for you to figure it out. Some days you impress me, some days I'll look into your eyes and see something there. But there are other days, other times when you've forced me to second guess myself. Days when I wonder if you're actually as oblivious as you sometimes appear.
I know we're friends. I know you trust me. But is that it, is that all? I know that other people see it. I don't think I can just be the advice giver. I don't know if I can continue to play the carefree friend. I don't know why you keep giving me hope, and I'm not sure if I keep asking for it.
I can't understand your life or where its going. I can't understand your heart or what it wants. I can't understand your mind or what you're thinking, mostly. But sometimes I see you really trying to figure life out, sometimes I see you going for love and I get it, sometimes I'm able to finish your sentences, or even speak your thoughts out loud.
To the one who lacks initiative, when we've spent two hours talking alone, and we've both poured out parts of our hearts, and we're walking back together, that would be an appropriate time to hold my hand. To the one who needs a clue, when we're walking in the rain, side by side, and I'm without and umbrella, the appropriate gesture would be to share yours, even if I swear I'm fine. To the one I can't stop thinking about, after you've openly admitted your reluctance for physical contact, and later pulled me into a hug that I never asked for, the appropriate follow up action may include a coffee and another good long chat.
These are just several examples of things I really should tell you, but I won't. I'm scared, and you've got me, and I hate it, in part. I hate not knowing what's going to happen, or not happen. I don't know my plan, and I don't know God's plan, and I don't know if you've ever had a plan in your life. But I know that when I look into your eyes, I wish I didn't have to look away so soon. I know that when your arms are around me, I feel your reluctance to let go and I wish I didn't have to make myself pull away. I know that when you say my name, everything inside me smiles, but I also know that my face shows you indifference, and I wish it didn't have to be that way. And I know that you don't know any of this, but I kinda wish you did.

I Can't Watch This

Dear God, do you remember that one time I prayed that prayer? You know, the one about messing with someones life a bit. The one about something heartbreaking and life changing? Ya, I thought you might remember. Well, I take it back, I take it all back. I take back the "this would be best for them"s, and the "afterwards they would finally get it"s. Because this is not what I had in mind, this is not what I asked for. I can't watch them struggle with this and bravely find the strength that I"m not even sure I would be able to find. Its too hard, especially with this on my conscience. So if I had anything to do with this I immediately withdraw my support. And I withdraw my call for any other events of this nature. I didn't realize that it would hurt me too. Because I really care, not in the same way I used to, but enough. Please God reverse the direction these events seem to be taking.

This?

I would just like to inform you that this isn't the end of the world. I would just like to inform you that this is not something worth falling apart over. There are certain things that are worth that, you know of some too, but this, this isn't one of them. After everything that has happened, can you still not put your problems in perspective? Can't you find an ounce of strength to face this molehill? Step back, take a breath and then step up. This is life, live it. Sometimes everything just isn't enough to make you happy. Sometimes all the friends in the world aren't enough to break through your own self pity. I would just like to inform you that its time to grow up.