Fighting the Rose Coloured Glasses

I don't like this person. I don't like this version of myself. I feel weak, anxious, dependent, self conscious. Nothing like who I really am or want to be.

I finally realized something. Nothing that happens here ever means anything. Sure maybe at the time, maybe in that brief moment there is something more than nothing. But that's because it's easy. It's all way too easy here. Where the days feel like weeks and friendships blossom overnight. But out there in the world outside the bubble, everything is lost. A spark dies, a meaning fades and the best intentions...well we all know what those pave the road to. Words mean nothing when someone hold a gun to you head. Falling in love is easy on an island. But when the pressure is gone and that boat returns to take you back to the mainland of reality, then all the complications of life get in the way. And for whatever reason, those complications make it not worth it, not worth the fight. Maybe that's true. Maybe without the rose coloured glasses it's obvious that this is hopeless. Maybe pursuing the idea is futile. But I refuse to really believe that. I refuse to give up on the possibilities of life. I will not accept difficulty as an excuse. Difficulty is inevitable, not a justification for giving up. No, I refuse to give up hope. Maybe that's pathetic. they say hindsight is 20/20. I don't think I'm quite seeing clearly yet. My eyes are still watching the island as it disappears in the waves.

Sunrise has Yet to Come

What a wonderful new distraction. A renewed dream but also a reoccurring nightmare. I thought I was looking at the slowly dying embers from a fire that I never got to experience. I felt like i was switching the radio and only catching the last few notes of a favourite song. But maybe this is the complete opposite, Maybe these are the shooting stars that proceed the meteor shower. Maybe I am only seeing the pilot episode. Unfortunately the best thing I can do for you right now is lie. The last thing you need to know is the truth. The truth could probably make my dreams come true, but it wouldn't last. It never seems to last when it's too easy. This looks like a movie, but forever in Hollywood is not long enough for me. As the sun sets on a dark lake my honesty dies with it. Somehow it is easier to be vulnerable in the dark. To not face an expression of judgement. In the darkness these words are enough to hide the truth in my eyes. Like a chess match, white leads, black follows. Sunrise, sunset. Light will return. I'm not sure what it will bring. Your move. All will be revealed at the sunrise.

7 Months Time

In a small clay box in my room there is a ring. A small ring with a tiny diamond in between two ribbons of gold. It is tasteful and pretty and expensive, and a symbol of something I never ever want. One beautiful ring gathering dust inside an ugly dark grey container. A reminder of what happens when two people fall for each other, too soon, too fast, too much. A symbol of a lost touch with reality, when people lose a part of themselves, or give too much away. This is what happens when people make promises they can't keep. A broken promise and a ring. Left with nothing but a ring which is tainted with heartbreak, tears, confusion, anger, depression, lies, drugs, pain, hate, and numbness. The ring is not mine. It has absolutely nothing to do with me. The question is: How long until that ring becomes just a ring again? 1 month? 1 year? When does it change from a symbol of bitterness to a symbol of beauty? A memory of what was. a reminder of what went wrong and a hope for what will be again. Then and only then will I return the ring that was entrusted to me. I am waiting, and so is she.

For Real

I miss you. A strange ridiculous amount. I don't know where that feeling is coming from. I have no explanation. But I miss you alot.

September Dream Journal

Sept. 12th - I went to the library and found alot of books written by an author with the last name Ten Brinke

Sept. 15th - My mother tried to convince me to buy clear lip gloss but I already had some

Sept 18th - (busy night for my subconscious) Hannah and I tried to clean chalk boards with white board erasers, after that fails we switched to using rags
- Hannah and I are part of this blind date set up thing. Hannah is really upset/confused about it because she thinks we're being forced into prostitution. I get paired up with this tall, blond curly haired boy named Crosby. We just lied on the daybed in Linnea's basement and talked. Then at the end of the night all the couples met up and rolled down a hill.
- I met this girl with bleach blond hair who went into this incredible ice cream shop and ordered an iced tea latte

Sept. 22nd - Julia and I replaced the cushions on the couch in our apartment

Sept. 24th - I was a cabin leader for kids week. Each cabin was given a name, ours was The Sunglasses. Governor Simcoe High School was having a retreat at camp and were being mean to my campers. Jesse (who was wearing a brown wig) had a really young sister who was in my cabin

Sept. 26th - Val told Laurel and and me that if we were Reese Peanut Butter cups, we would be the biggest Reese Peanut Butter Cups in the world. It was meant as a compliment

Sept. 28th - Jeremy and Lisa were calling my cellphone non-stop

Sept. 30th - My parents wanted to sell our old house and move into a smaller one without a pool for no good reason. I was really really upset