July Dream Journal

July 2nd -- I was told that I was too old to wear rings on my fingers and that I should upgrade to toe rings.
-- Attended a Disney Princess fashion show and intense jealousy surged through me.

July 6th -- Dreamt I was in a shooting in the middle of Costco. Travis was shooting at me with a pellet gun

July 14th -- Sitting on the edge of a pool, Adam Epp asks me what happens when we die.

July 25th -- Jordan's dad died. Jordan and I start dating. He sends me 18 text messages of "<3".
-- Walked outside in the morning to see the most amazing orange/magenta sunrise.

Slow Reader

I'm so thrilled this happened. I'm so glad that what I've said to you all along was proven true. It's not fair that you had so little time. It's not fair the way it ended. But life isn't fair, and taking that into consideration, I feel you got a pretty reasonable slice of happiness. I wish you could have more. I wish I could make it happen. And even though there is a part of my heart that is consumed with envy, the overwhelming emotion I have is joy for you. Joy because of what this has done in you. This had made you realize that there is always hope. That attaining happiness is possible. It's one "never have I ever" that you can cross off the list. I truly hope your patience through this is rewarded. We've been through alot together. Now I feel like you're one or two pages ahead of me in the book of life. Maybe I'm just a slow reader, but you can watch my reaction when I get to the good part. And I have faith that it's coming, that it's already here. I don't want to look back on life and think "Wow, those were the best days of my life". I don't ever want to wish I could go back in time. Right now, these days are the best days. Everyday can get better, because we're each writing the stories of our own lives. So maybe I'm just a slow writer.

For Her

He walks away as the rain falls down
Only one thing you say that will stop him now
The words all get lost on the tip of your tongue
And I promise you you're not the only one

A brief span of time, a brief lapse of heart
It's too bad the end could be seen from the start
You've loved and you've lost in this war without guns
And I promise you you're not the only one

A month passes by and all logic is lost
You try to hold on but it's not worth the cost
Now you wait for the time when your fight can be won
And I promise you you're not the only one

Beginning of a Bucket List

1. Scuba Diving (check January 3rd 2011)
2. Para-Sailing (check January 1st 2011)
3. Travel Europe
- Netherlands (check Summer 2013)
- England (check Spring 2013)
- France (check Spring/Summer 2013)
- Germany
- Italy
- Greece
- Austria
- Poland
- Ireland
- Spain
4. Ride a Motorcycle (check August 1st 2009)
5. Record a Song
6. Have a piece of writing published
7. Pull an all-nighter
8. Canter on a horse
9. Paint my bedroom red
10. Learn to wakeboard (check- August 2nd 2010)
11. Sleep in a castle
12. Learn Guitar
13. Ski down a real mountain (BC, Quebec, States?) (check Quebec Feb. 2015)
14. Learn drums
15. Vacation somewhere tropical in the winter (check December 19-27 2009)
16. Swim across Lake Erie (check: July 12th 2015)
17. Learn to drive standard (check: tractor-summer 2010, car-December 4th 2010)
18. Skydive
19. Save a life
20. Own a Mustang convertible
21. Become a principal
22. Get married
23. Learn how to golf
24. Hang-glide
25. Take a hot air balloon ride
26. Travel Africa
- Egypt
- Uganda
- South Africa
- Morocco
27. See a total lunar eclipse (check September 27th 2015)
28. Hike to Mt. Everest Base Camp
29. Visit NYC (check: June 2014)
30. See the Northern Lights
31. Read through the Bible in under a Year
32. Sit on a jury
33. Travel Israel
34. Attend the Olympics
35. Learn to surf (check December 2nd 2015 in New Zealand)
36. Take a dance class
37. Take voice lessons
38. Go on a sleigh -ride or dog sled ride
39. Go to all 50 states and drive route 66
40. Learn to windsurf
41. Join a choir
42. Go white water rafting
43. Visit the wreckage of titanic in a sub
44. Swim in the world's largest swimming pool (off the coast of Chile)
45. Visit a rain forest
46. Ride a camel
47. Ride an elephant
48. Visit the Grand Canyon (check: January 2015)
49. Visit Victoria Falls
50. Visit the Sahara Desert
51. Go back to Disney World and Harry Potter World (check: December 2015)
52. Go to Cedar Point (check: summer 2014)
53. Play a real game of poker
54. Learn to knit or crochet or quilt (check: knitting 2013-2014)
55. Fly first class
56. Attend a ball
57. Visit a volcano
58. Get licensed and go on a scuba diving expedition
59. Swim in bio-luminescent algae
60. Run a 5k race
61. Kiss under the mistletoe
62. Learn how to cartwheel
63. Go to New Zealand (check November 2015)
64. Go to Australia
65. Have a child

Kids Week

When did we stop jumping in puddles and watching our shadows? When did we stop getting excited about fireworks and catching potato bugs? When was it that we decided we knew all the stars and the shapes in the clouds were not enough entertainment? At what point did the waves and flowers lose our interest? When did we leave that world of childhood behind? As I watch the 100s of children run around this place, or the 8 that I take care off I am transported back. Now as they leave and we fast forward several years I will miss these things. I'll miss the small hands and how they constantly wanted to braid my hair. I'll miss the carefree mornings and the juice stained faces. I'll miss the looks of awe and admiration over the smallest feats. I'll miss how all the little things are noticed and how easily forgiveness is given and how honesty is just a subconscious part of life. I'll miss this. I never thought I'd day it, but I'll miss Kids Week.

The Climb

You know those awkward moments between two people when both have something to say but neither one says anything. Ya, I think I just had one of those. Just another one of those frustrating things about life I suppose. Like, how I'm usually very aware and observant of everyone around me. I can almost always read people accurately, and understand how and why things happen the way they do. The exception is when it comes to any hypothetical guy I may be interested in. Then I fail, epically. It's like suddenly losing my 20/20 vision and navigating life blind. Wicked frustrating. Someone even got me to admit I'm scared. That should explain everything I have or haven't done. I'm scared of "no" and "not right now". I'm scared of silence or hesitation. Our fears may not be identical, but we're both afraid of a great fall. I feel like I'm climbing a ladder, and I keep checking how far up I am. As I keep climbing, steps below me begin to disappear; I wonder, What happens if it's not safe to climb down and I'm too high to jump? Then I have two options: fall from this height, or continue climbing facing the constant possibility of a much worse fall the higher I climb. For now I'm still climbing.

Internal Argument

I'm seriously considering trying something new. I'm intensely debating attempting something I've never done before. Something that, in the past I have been openly against. It's not so much that I considered it to be wrong. It's just not "my way of doing things". Well, now I'm re-evaluating. I probably won't do anything in the imminent future, my decision making process takes a long time. But despite my opinions up until now, waiting has not always been the best answer. Sometimes one has to take a risk, jump off a cliff, so to speak. Sometimes one has to make a choice based on good judgement and hope for the best. I often let possible cons outweigh the pros. I think we all do that though. We let that one negative comment affect our day. We let our fears hold us back. We allow that one nagging doubt to disrupt everything. We can't see something therefore we claim it doesn't exist. We don't understand something therefore we assume it is a lie, or else it is impossible to understand. I'm going to try something new. I'm going to hope for the best. Maybe this is one of those "finding yourself" moments. Maybe this is crazy. Maybe one day soon I'll find out which.