June Dream Journal

June 1st - Dreamt I was going back to Dalewood for a day, on the same day as my driver's test. HUGE dilemma because I wanted to wear my hair in a ponytail for the road test, but down for the Dalewood reunion day
June 2nd - I married one boy and had a daughter and then my husband died. Then I found another boy who was gorgeous and fell in love with him.
- Going to a party, on the way Laurel and I stopped for alcoholic beverages. I choose alcoholic minute maid orange juice because I hate orange juice and knew I wouldn't drink it.
- Some guy was walking down the fast lane of a highway and keeping up with the flow of traffic and someone else is riding a tractor lawnmower in the slow lane.
June 3rd - Our family is moving to Mexico, lots of people come to say goodbye. Bobby comes over with a huge straw hat
- I have two kids with Sully from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. A older boy and a baby girl
June 8th - Taught 3 boys to swim in the pool in my backyard while standing on deck.
June 11th - Got lost in KMB church. Heard a tour guide explain to a group of people that the purple orangutan signs lead to the washroom and the orange lifeboat signs lead the way to the rest of the church.
June 12th - Whole youth group gathered together to protest something. We went to a meeting in the Eden cafeteria, and then to a rally. I missed my trip to Val's because of it.
- Olivia, Naomi, and myself witnessed a meteoroid hit earth. Then I hid under a navy towel when army planes flew overhead. Naomi told me they were safe. Then the planes brought back injured people and I went to go help.
June 15th - I was shopping at Walmart for brightly coloured moccasins, (yellow, teal, black, green). Every time I found a pair in my size a lady would come up to me, thank me, and then take them away to try on for herself.
June 20th - Laurel and I had 12 wrestling matches, each to a Taylor Swift song. Laurel won every time.
- I was in a huge McDonald PlayPlace. The floor of the ball pit was a trampoline. I made the trampoline touch the floor and the staff guy was mad at me.
- I was in an incredible recording studio, recording my own Taylor Swift "Fearless" album
June 23rd - At camp during chapel, in the middle of the song 40 by U2, Cordelia made everyone turn their chairs to face the back wall as a prank.
- Had a race to see who could eat 3 green peppers, and 3 red peppers the fastest
- Went to get a pedicure and the lady wanted to put purple streaks in my hair
- Stef and I went to a theme park and tried to stand up on all the rides

Can I Make a Request?

Get your head in check. You are not a statistic, and that's not an excuse. You may not worry about this now, but you're fooling yourself if you think that's all that matters.
In real life there is no backspace button. I wish there was, I really do. I look at you and I think of a million incredible places your life could take you. None of them end here, none of them involve this. It's two bad that with your blurry vision you can only make out two options.
Set your sights somewhere between now and forever. If you're only living in this moment then you're missing the big picture, the wider perspective. And if you're only living in forever, then you're missing your purpose in this world.
I don't expect more of you than anyone else. I just expect you, and you are more than this. Don't underestimate yourself either. You're stronger than you think you are and you'll never know your own self control until you exercise it.
A pen has no eraser. Okay, that's a lie, some pens do; but they're really crappy pens and the erasers don't really work that well. Point is, the story of your life cannot be erased or backspaced or scribbled out. You don't get a rough draft or decision-check button. So think first! That's all I ask.

I Couldn't Write a Word of My Own Today

I thought of all the things I'd like to say. Cramped up and couldn't write a word all day. ~ Give me a few hours and I'll have this all sorted out. If my mind would just stop racing. I cannot stand still. I can't be this unsturdy, this cannot be happening. ~ Untie the weight bags I never thought I could. Steady feet don't fail me now. ~ Honesty is a hard attribute to find when we all want to seem like we've got it all figured out. ~ With so much to say, but no words to convey, the loneliness building with each passing day. But I'm getting used to it, you have to get used to it. ~ You start to wonder why you're here not there. And you'd do anything to get what's fair. But fair ain't what you really need. ~ I was thinking about that and a bunch of other things. I need to pour out this expansive dose of words. ~ It's a fight between my heart and mind. No one really wins this time. ~ I'm not saying anything you haven't heard before, I'm just trying to understand the way we are. ~ Nothing I can say to bring us back to where we were. When life was not this hard. Looking back it all just seems so far. ~ Late night drives, all along in my car, I can't help but start singing lines from all our favourite songs. ~ I hear your song resound, I little bit softer each day. ~ There's nothing I can say to you to make you feel alive again. ~ Just do your best to hear me, it's all you can do. You have my attention. ~ I can tell that you don't know me anymore. It's easy to forget, sometimes we just forget. ~ Who would've guessed that what we thought was real was so fragile and ended so soon. ~ All alone, in a world that doesn't care. ~ Everybody knows somebody who needs something to believe in. Everybody dreams and everybody has a dream that's broken. ~ And being on this road is anything but sure. ~ Everybody talks but nobody will listen. Cause we're too scared of the quiet. ~ Ya I know that everyone gets scared sometime. But I've become what I can't be. ~ Can't you see this unbelief is human tragedy. ~ Another day so far away from paradise. ~ But everything looks perfect from far away. ~ Rain down, rain down, come on rain down on me from a great height. ~ We all have weaknesses but some of ours are easier to identify. So when my weakness turns my ego up I know you'll count on the me from yesterday. If I turn into another, dig me up from what is covering the better part of me. ~ You've got some nerve but you can't face your mistakes. I know what I should do, but I just can't turn away. ~ Love hurts... but sometimes it's a good hurt. ~ No one's immune. ~ In spite of this we're doing fine, even diamonds start as coal. ~ I'm keeping an eye on the future, an eye on the past. ~ I wish we could open our eyes to see in all directions at the same time. ~ Things are never going to be the way you want. ~ Are you going to waste your time? Got to make you move or you'll miss out. Someone will ask you what it's all about. What are you going to have to say for yourself? ~ Don't write yourself off yet. ~ With one hand high you'll show them your progress. ~ It's that time of year, leave all our hopelessness aside. If just for a little while, tears stop here. I know we've all had a bumpy ride, I'm secretly on your side. ~ I fall asleep with my friends around me. Only place I know, I feel safe. I'm gonna call this home. ~ You know that I'm going to say time's slipping away. You're standing ignoring me. ~ By now you should've somehow realised what you're not to do. ~ I must admit it's my pride that made me distant. All because I hoped you'd be someone different. ~ It really didn't make sense to leave this unresolved. ~ I threw out everything that didn't make sense. To find a thousand more things that don't make sense. ~ It's not so easy caving in. ~ I wish you were a stranger I could disengage. Say that we agree and then never change. Soften a bit until we always get along. But that's disregard. ~ I deconstruct my thoughts at this piano. ~ Sometime perfection can be, it can be perfect hell. ~ I'd rather run the other way than stay and see, the smoke and who's still standing when it clears. ~ If I don't say this now I will surely break. ~ Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. ~ You've hit one wall now find a way around. ~ Windows open and close that's just how it goes. ~ I believe that there's hope buried beneath it all. ~ I always believed in futures. I hope for better. ~

Because I am not Perfect

Recently I have been taught a lesson in humility. Having other people to think I'm perfect is not okay. Choosing not to correct this perception or allowing myself to think it is much much worse. Therefore I feel I must admit some mistakes I have made, and am making. Not because I am in anyway proud of them, but because acknowledging the existence of faults is important in striving to correct them. I think the reason I don't usually confess is because these are things everyone has done, and I don't want to be like everyone else. But I am like everyone else, because I am not perfect, because I am human. So, to begin, I am a good liar. I am prideful. I have a Savior complex. I always want to be right. I am controlling. I have led dual lives. I often fight with those around me. I speak when I should listen. I fall too hard, too fast. Sometimes I just go through the motions. I have a tainted integrity. I have cheated on a test. I have gossiped. I have gone behind a friend's back. I have many irrational fears. I understand the struggles of depression. I can empathize with the pain of addiction. I know the self esteem and self image issues just as well as everyone else. I have not evaded doubts, or jealousy or hatred. I have not kept all my promises. I have been careless, insensitive and selfish. I have placed myself on a pedestal, and sometimes I just need the reminder that I'm not perfect.

Rainy Day Festivities

Once upon a time there was this girl. It was a rainy Saturday, and once upon a time this girl drove down to the lake near her house in her beautiful, black, Honda Accord. She parked in a no parking zone and had a minor panic attack about getting a ticket before concluding that there were more important things to worry about. In her blue raincoat carrying a cow umbrella she walked along the rocks shifted them to find small dry stones to put in her pocket. When he pocket was full and bulging she sat down on an outcropping rock and pulled out blue and pink permanent markers from her other coat pocket. She wrote the name of someone she cared about on each of that stone. Then she prayed, begging God, pleading with God to help that person through the difficult things they faced in their life. She prayed for the words to say, and the wisdom to know when to shut up. She wrote a different name on every stone. She quickly ran out of stones and had to search for more. After each prayer she threw the stone into the lake, recognizing how little control she had over the situation and giving it over to someone with much more. Thankfully, God doesn't just exist in once upon a time. And maybe this wasn't a fairytale. Maybe it was just a girl who was a romantic at heart, who wanted desperately to see the pain or numbness to end in the people around her. In real life her prayers just might be answered. And that's better than wishes and once upon a time.

A Lengthy Explanation

It has come to my attention that my blog requires and explanation, which I am happy to provide. This is a blog; it is my blog. It began as a collection of journals I have written. However, paper and ink are not invincible which made me nervous. Being a paranoid person, I always had the worry of a fire or tornado or hurricane or monsoon or tsunami or terrorist attack or other such unfortunate event, destroying my journals. So I decided to make a hard copy on the computer. I chose not to do it in Word perfect or any other word processing program. This is because I own a PC, and aged PC that has already earned a reputation for viruses and unexpected crashes. So out of this thought process came the blog. I was not however, satisfied yet because what if one day I got amnesia and forgot the website. Then all my hard work would have gone to waste. So, I fool-proofed my plan by posting the URL on another website, another well known and frequently visited website, you might have heard of it : Facebook. And that is really, truly, the primary explanation for why my blog is a blog. The secondary explanation is, if possible, even more complicated. I also began a blog on a public site because there was a small part of me that feared, but also loved the idea of other people reading my thoughts. I'm a huge fan of honesty. I have a serious problem being vulnerable in person, so I thought I'd try my hand at it online. I admit to how sketchy that sounds at first. But it's not like I am posting my credit card number or deepest darkest secrets online. And secondly, it does take some amount of effort to find the link to my blog, eliminating the probability that every random person on facebook will find and read my blog. But that does happen sometimes, and there are some people that disagree with what I write. That is okay! The very title of my blog, "Disclaimer : This is Just Me" is meant to show that my blog is about what I think. It may not be right, but it's real, and it's honest. Some people may want certain entries removed, or changed. In a newspaper that would be called a retraction. But this is not a newspaper, and I am not being paid to record facts in a complete and unbiased way. This is like an editorial, an opinion piece. And whether or not you agree with it, I will not apologize for, or eliminate my opinion. This blog is often cynical and depressing. It tends to look at things in a more negative light. Writing is the outlet for the darker side of my personality. I try to be hopeful and optimistic in person, however I find blogging to be a healthy and helpful channel for all my emotions. I do not live in the moment. I rarely act before looking 15 million miles down the road. But I do write in the moment. I write about the moments. There are moments that I want to always remember and moments when I learn something vital I never want to forget. I do not write thinking about how I will feel about the moment tomorrow, or a year from now. That is the explanation for my tunnel vision, or narrow writing. The explanation, not the apology. This is my blog, it is about me and the tings/people most important to me. You can learn alot about me by reading it. You can begin to understand. But that is a choice; learning and understanding will not come with the reading of one or two posts. Allow mt to use a slightly questionable comparison, mt blog is like the Bible. It shouldn't be taken out of context, you need to read the whole thing before you make assumptions or come to any conclusions. Otherwise it may seem unbalanced or contradictory or unreasonable. So you can read it, or not. Try to understand, or not. I'm always happy to discuss it. This is who I am, and this is the way I see my world. Try not to hold that against me.

In 17.75 Years More

17 and three quarters, almost eighteen years of life have gone by. Some in an instant for me, other in a long, drawn out, tiring journey. Where do I want to be in another 17.75 years? I would be 35. The year will be 2027. I hope to have lived a joyful satisfying third of my life. I hope I am married to the person I will spend the remaining 2/3 of my life with. I hope to have several incredible children. I hope to have begun to raise them well, loving always and guiding them with Christ. I would like it if one of them were a girl. I would like it if her name where Chantelle. I would like a mansion or castle with lots of rooms and lots of windows and lots of hired help. And a pool. If I can't have that, then I would like a modest house in a quiet neighbour. Grey brick, chimney on the side, cobblestone pathway through the lawn and garden. I would like a house that needs fixing up, that my husband and I can make our own. I would like a field or a park nearby for the children. And a pool. I would like a beautiful piano in the living room, and a bedroom painted red. I would like the house stocked full of picture albums and home videos. I would like a huge bookshelf overflowing with all our favourite books, and and another shelf for all our favourite music, which will be playing constantly. I would like to have a job that helps others and that uses my gifts. But at 35 I may not be working, I may be at home "keeping house" which would always make me happy. I would like to take family vacation once every year. I would have liked to have visited Europe. I would like to sing my kids to sleep and make them feel safe, and loved. I would like my children to know their grandparents, maybe even great grandparents. In 17.75 more years I have alot of dreams that I hope come true. But only a few are truly important. And it is these deepest desires of my heart that I hope are granted to me in 17 3/4 years more.

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

Waiting for the Stars to Align

Every time I get a little bit closer. A little bit closer to what I never had. Every time I wonder if this is finally it, if this time it's different. If this time what I want finally coincides with God's plan for me. It hasn't yet. Or maybe it has and I've just missed it. Maybe it has and I've ignored it. Maybe it has and I've messed it up or been afraid or maybe I've hesitated. Maybe it's all been perfectly lined up already. Maybe, but I don't think so.

I'm not waiting for the time to be right, because it never is. I'm not waiting for a voice from heaven telling me what to do. I'm waiting for a peace and an assurance, and several coincidences that have no explanation. And when that doesn't happen I wait for the crushing feeling of hope lost. It has to be one or the other, however I can only speak from one side of the fence. Maybe my odds are improving. Maybe the tables are turning. I hope so, but that's the problem : I hope.

The last time I was here I was with you. It was better that way, it was better last time, so I'll remember it that way. Because it may be one of my last memories of then. I can't spend my whole life waiting for one thing or another. Life will keep passing me by if I keep waiting for the stars to align. Maybe it's okay if one or two of the stars seem out of place. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be. Maybe this is how it's supposed to be. now?

No Longer

How did we fall so far? How did we get here? No one would have predicted this. We've compromised, we've 'just made do', we've lowered our expectations. We're so much less than we could be. We're worse than we were before. We've gossiped in the name of concern. We've chosen to fail in the name of living. We've lied and called it strength. We've hurt each other and shrugged. We are not living the way we were meant to. We keep trying to help each other out, but instead we're pulling each other down. It's like that example we saw this summer. One person stands on the ground and another person stands on a chair. They grab hands and pull. It's alot easier to pull the person on the chair down from it, than to pull the other person up onto the chair, especially when they are unwilling to do so. Then they're just dead weight that one has to carry around. We were all so strong, so sure, so solid. We were the examples. We were vessels of Christ. I don't even want to know what we should be called now. Encouraging each other in sin. Turning a blind eye to our faults. Some of us doubt our faith more now. Others have given up on it completely. Some of us allow it to come and go as it suits us. "I don't believe in God right now, but I know it will come back". Translation : "Life is stressful at the moment and I'm not drawing close to God so I can't feel his presence like I used to and I think he's abandoned me. So I'll just let him take the back seat for a while until he starts improving things for me or until I hit rock bottom". Our worldly knowledge is rapidly expanding, but our faith is still very immature. We are all still a huge part of each others' lives. But we are no longer the positive influences we used to be. We are no longer responsible choices and Godly morals. We are no longer excited for Bible studies, looking forward to chapel and being united in prayer. It's been just under a year, and we are no longer LITs.

Seeing is Believing? Believing is Seeing?

Such bitterness. The way you speak, each word rooted deep in a hatred I cannot understand. A hated of something so perfect, so pure, so wonderful. A hatred shared by so many others. What did man do to make you so angry at God? You call yourself agnostic. You say there is no way to know whether or not there is a God. I have no respect for that. I can respect other religions besides my own, the devotion involved and the good intentions, even if I don't agree with it. But if one spends their whole life wondering and asking questions and searching, but never committing or taking any action, then what a waste of a life! I know you wonder about it. That's why it's always on your mind, that's why you always argue. Sometimes I even think you now the truth, but that's when you fight even harder against it. You are like the scientists searching so hard for the answer to the creation question. Their lives are based around finding absolute truth. But when they disprove evolution and the Big Bang and their other theories and are left with no alternative but a higher power, they refuse to believe. Their statement being, "I am left with no other explanation but that there is a higher power, however I refuse to believe that therefore I support the theory of evolution." Why do people fight so hard against the truth. The truth is eternal, never changing. No matter how many times it is fought or covered up, it is constant. God is truth. You scoff at faith. You mock the idea of believing blindly and call anyone who does a fool. I wish you knew how much I pity you. There is nothing blind about this faith that defines my life. There is nothing foolish about this trust that has never been broken. For you, seeing is believing. You want proof, the kind of proof Thomas had. And you call God unjust because he won't give you that proof. Thomas said he would not believe that Jesus had risen until he put his finger through the holes in his hands and seen the place where the spear was in his side. Jesus said to Thomas, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed" John 20:29. The problem is, you don't know God, and you wouldn't accept or recognize proof if it was staring you square in the eye. Which it is, everyday. God is working right in front of you, but you can't see it because you can't believe it. A person could go through life denying the existence of wind. They could refuse to believe it was there because they couldn't actually see it. With that mindset it would be possible to go through life without ever directly seeing the wind. However, everyone would consider such a person to be an idiot. They are looking for wind in all the wrong places. One must believe in the possibility of wind before they can see it. But then they see it everywhere. In moving tree branches, in waves rising and falling across the ocean, in billowing snow storms. And not just see it, but they will feel it as well, like a cool breeze across one's face on a hot day. Once you believe the wind is there you begin to see it and feel it everywhere and then you would never dream of claiming it's nonexistence. Another analogy is the sun. We cannot look directly at it, our eyes are not meant for that, it is always there, even when there are clouds in the way and we can see everything it touches. It is the same with God. I don't know if anyone today can rightfully claim that they have see God, a visible, tangible, God. We cannot see God directly right now. That time has past and has not yet come around again. But God can be seen working in others, performing everyday miracles through people or coincidences or leaping out at someone through a verse in the Bible. Oh ye of little faith, how empty your life must be. You were prophesized about, and you are not alone. "You will be ever hearing, but never understanding; ever seeing, but never perceiving. For this people's heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes" Matthew 13:14-15. You call me close-minded. You hate Christians for hating homosexuals and drunks, and pregnant teenage mothers. But those people are not Christians, because those people are not emulating Christ. Sunday school principle : God loves everyone, he just doesn't love what they're doing. You would laugh at that, tear it down with some sarcastic remark, so I'll bring it down to a level that is relatable. Let's pretend that I came to my parents one day and told them that I am dropping out of University to become a prostitute. They would still love me, but they would hate that decision and hate what it would mean for me because they know there is something out there better than that for me. But they would never stop loving me. Love is a choice, and once you choose to love someone then the only option is to continue loving them completely and eternally. Perfect love does not end or fluctuate, because it is whole and complete and holds nothing back. God is love. And he has poured out his love for you in more ways than you can imagine and will continue whether or not you ever return that love. All he asks for is a little faith. Even the smallest amount of faith can make miracles. "If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you can say to the mountain ' Move from here to there' and it will move" Matthew 17:20-21. That sounds cliché doesn't it? You can move mountains if you just believe. We're not talking literal mountains, (although I believe it is possible), because what good would that be if mountains up and moved all around the world. God's perfect natural balance would be disrupted, the world would be in mayhem. No, we're talking mountains even more difficult to conquer than a climb up Everest. Overcoming one's disbelief, fighting addiction, loving others when it's most difficult, learning humility, finding peace with death, letting go of pride, accepting help, admitting faults and growing closer to God in relationship. Those are the kinds of mountains one can climb with a little faith. Right now you have nothing. You have nothing to fight for, nothing to believe in, nothing to make your living worth living. But there is still a purpose for your life you have not yet discovered. I firmly believe God has much work left to do in you. Even Saul, one of the most resolute persecutors of early Christians went on to do great work on earth for God's kingdom. "At once he began to preach in the synagogues that Jesus is the Son of God. All those who heard him were astonished and asked 'Isn't this the man who destroyed those who called on God's name in Jerusalem? And hasn't he come here to take them prisoners to the chief priests?' Yet Saul grew more and more powerful and baffled the Jews living in Damascus by proving that Jesus is the Christ" Acts 9:20-22. Perhaps one day you too will see the blinding light and here a voice resound inside your heart. "Why do you persecute me?" Acts 9:4b. "Stop doubting and believe!" John 20:27.

My Prayer for You and for Us

Follow Christ, not Christians. Sometimes Christ speaks through Christians. And sometimes he doesn't. Sometimes he blesses a pastor's words, sometimes he blesses a church's work, sometimes he shows himself to us. And sometimes he doesn't. His hand is in everything, but sometimes he holds things together, and sometimes he pulls things apart. He gives and takes away. And he is always there to catch the falling pieces of our lives. Be cautious of false prophets, who claim to be one thing but live differently. They are all around you. But do not fear because you can always tell them by their fruit. "Every good tree bears good fruit, (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self control), but the bad tree bears evil fruit. A good tree cannot bear evil fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit" Matthew 7:17-18. Be aware of wolves in sheep's clothing, and of those who will try to pull you off the path. Do not be afraid of questioning your faith, hold firm and it will strengthen it. Look out for your brothers and sisters. There will be times when you need each other's help. Guide each other gently, hold each other together, build each other up. And as you do these things never lose sight of Christ. Do not follow any other example, even the examples of your fellow believers, for they are imperfect. This is our problem right here. "Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin you should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself" Galations 6:1. Allow yourself to love others. Allow Christ to love you and let him show you this love through others. You are surrounded by people who care. Your choices affect others, so make wise choices and care about the choices you make.

Good Advice

Advice is really only as good as the quality of the source providing it. A person can give solid advice but if their life is falling apart around them, one hesitates before following advice from such a person for fear their life will also fall apart. In a similar way, a person is not likely to happily fol;low advice form a hypocrite. Advice is best received when the giver is in a place in life the recipient wishes he/she was. I'm not a huge fan of giving advice. It's not that I don't know what to say or what 'good' advice would be. That comes pretty naturally to me. The problem is giving the advice in such a way that the recipient doesn't shut their ears to it. As much as you deny it, no one likes being told they're living life wrong, or that they should make different choices. Especially when I'm technically no further along this journey than you are. So I suppose that they're really no reason anyone should listen to me. Except for the fact that I care, even when you don't. Except for the fact that occasionally I really know what I'm talking about. Usually I understand a heck of alot more than you think I do. You may not like my advice, that's almost a given. But you can't deny that there's often wisdom in it. You can make excuses about why it doesn't apply to your life, but the truth still stands. Your opinion of my advice really affects your opinion of me. So the question remains; what is the quality of the source? Would you consider me quality?