I Think I've Heard That One Before

Ther are times when i feel like a song on repeat. the same feelings and events continually replaying to someone's twisted amusement. My life is a sonatnt deja vu, one familiar scene bleeding into the next. The similiarity of the phrases I keep hearing are almost comical. It's my own private joke, but it's beginning to get a little old. Is there somethign I have yet to learn from these few, singular reoccurances? Something I didn't catch in the last 4 re-runs. There are only so many times one must be outcast before they learn to stand on their own two feet. When enough people are tethered to me, pulling in different directions, I have only one choice to survive; turn into the solid anchor. As God gives and takes away time and time again, I realize that this is all temporary. A heart only needs to be broken once before a person realizes that emotional pain cripples a hundred times more than physical pain. I've heard enough lies by now to understand the importance of questioning every 'truth'. Have I not learned all these lessons? Though I suppose at this point, one more repetition will cause minimal additional harm.

Shallow End of the Gene Pool

I am once again at a loss for words. I am once again surprised by the amount of people that lack any amount of depth in their lives. There really are people out there without a deep end. There really are people out there that are one dimensional, missing those other layers. I would like to think that if my life was defined by one solitary thing, that thing would be more meaningful than boys, or my hair. The minute amount of patience I have been given does not extend to the continued listening of the absurd and insignificant products of such shallow minds.

Bad Life Choices

Sometimes life gives you second chances. Sometimes life lets you right your wrongs, change your mind, go back on your decisions. And sometimes you can't. There are other times when it is more difficult, if not impossible to change what has passed. Everyone has situations they wish they could travel back in time and redo differently. I'm the kind of person who lives life trying not to do anything I could possibly regret. Sometimes I miss out on things, and sometimes I save myself alot of grief. I'm the kind of person who learns alot from the mistakes of others. When I witness my friends making bad decisions, it solidifies my own decisions to avoid certain things. I still can sympathize with them. I help talk through the remorse and sometimes the guilt. Yet it is far more frustrating and upsetting for me when a poor choice has been made, but I am the only one who sees it that way. Sometimes it sucks to be the one person with a different opinion. Sometimes it sucks to be the one person with higher morals. Sometimes people resent me, or lie to me because of it. Often they're friends who are afraid of being judged or condemned. Truly i can do neither, and truly I choose to do neither. Few things hurt me more than friends who won't trust me with the truth. Sometimes people won't say the truth out loud because it makes it that much more real. But you can not escape from the truth, it is absolute and irrefutable, and can never fully be disguised by a lie. But sometimes you have the chance to alter that truth, and sometimes it's just too hard.

The End

The week marks the end of something. The end of something good. The end of something important to me. This week has been drawing steadily closer, making me gradually more and more claustrophobic over these past 2 months. Or at least, that is approximately when the countdown started for me. Certainly many other were aware that the end was in sight before myself. And as the date looms ever nearer, facing reality becomes unavoidable. Some await the end with quiet acceptance, some anticipate it with open and optimistic minds. And others dread it with resigned bitterness. However, regardless of our various reactions it comes, ready or not. There are those who have planned ahead, those who have already laid the next stepping stone on their path. There are those who have nothing to carry them through but their faith. Faith that the journey will continue. Faith that the next step will become clear in time. I will pretend that I am sure of anything. I am rarely pushed so far into the unknown. I still feel numb, unresponsive, paralyzed even. There has still not been enough time to process all the countless ways in which this affects my life. Expressing how I feel never seems to get any easier. It is as if I am reading the final few chapter of an incredible and inspiring book. As badly as I want to discover how everything wraps up and fits together in the end, I also don't want to finish the book and have it be over. So I'll like the last chapter drag on and on, savouring every word, but inevitably, I will finish the book. It will be the well written, satisfying ending that I had hoped for. But the satisfaction will be mixed with some sadness in knowing that there no sequel to follow, and even if I was to re-read the book, it will never be the same. Eventually, in time a renewed passion for reading will ignite in me, and I will discover a new book. A different book that perhaps reminds me of the old one, but that grabs my attention and tests my imagination in a whole new way. I'll probably always have a soft sentimental spot for the old, but all things come to and end. Often the phrase "This too shall pass" is used in times of difficulty and sadness. However it applies universally, in good times as well as bad. All things pass, everything is temporary. And as depressing and pessimistic as that may seem, i can find hope in it. This week marks the end of something. This week marks the end of the beginning.

Next 3 Minutes of Your Life

How long does it take for your life to change; to be thrown in a different direction? Can you ever anticipate it? Can you ever come to terms with it? Would it take you a week? A month? A year? How long until you can accept it? What if something happened in the next 3 minutes. In 3 minutes your life could change. In the amount of time it takes you to finish reading this, your life could change. In the amount of time it takes to get dressed or listen to your favourite song, everything could be different. In 3 minutes you could get a phone call and find out you lost someone you love. In 3 minutes someone unexpected could show up at your door. In 3 minutes you could be surprised. In 3 minutes you could be heartbroken. In 3 minutes you could make or break a promise. In 3 minutes you could be in an accident. In 3 minutes you could save a life. In 3 minutes someone could save your life. Who can possibly predict with any accuracy even 3 minutes into the future? I have come to realize that I actually know nothing. Nothing is ever concrete, nothing ever happens the way you expect it to. people are never exactly who they say they are. The future, my future, is no more solid than drifting sand and ever-changing waves. I can plan out my whole life, but it would be in vain. My plans are meaningless. And how does one find peace in constant change?

Belated New Years

I wrote my New Years Resolutions today. I'm a little late, but it's tradition so I made time when I could. Ever since I was like 10 years old I would write predictions or goals for the next year on scraps of note paper and put them in this ugly paper maché jar with burlap covering the top. Random? yes. Sunday school craft? probably. Anyways, I would write the coming year on the burlap and then place the jar in my desk drawer until the next year. Honestly, I've never peeked. Each year I would re-read the pieces of paper. Any that held predictions that came true or goals that were met were smiled upon and then discarded. Any other goals that I still wanted to achieve went back into the jar with the new additions for that year. This year I happily threw away over half of the papers in the jar. I accomplished some things this year, and it's just satisfying to recognize that.