Friday, September 5, 2008

Things I Only Wish Were Mine To Remember


Most of the time I'm fine now. The distance has helped, as well as the distractions, it's only an issue now on the rare occasions I'm forced to remember everything. I'm fine as long as no one mentions it, as long as I don't at pictures or overhear conversations. I really don't have a problem so long as I don't listen to music or watch movies or am around people too often. I'm fine as long as I'm not left alone by myself too much. The time between rest and sleep is dangerous as I have very little control over my thoughts then. And in the times I am reminded, everything is vivid, nothing has faded or grown cold. Everything is still bittersweet and unresolved, identical to the last time I was forced to dwell upon it. Eyes locked, piercing me, and I look away, too afraid that you could see my thoughts and make me more transparent. Hands clasped, in comfort, in support, in prayer. Voices, paired with the strumming of a guitar. Smiles that haunt me because I know what they're supposed to look like but can't see them anymore. The laughter will make me break, now and every other time I remember it. The things my mind drags up again and again. The makings of the perfect memory I never quite had.

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