Don't Let Me Be Lonely

"If we don't know how to be alone, we will only know how to be lonely." I was recently caught off guard by this phrase and I wrote it down so I could go back and think about it further. It's memorably worded, and it glimmers of truth. I can see how that may accurately describe a problem facing many in our world. Originally I was going to write this post in praise of the quote and spend time marveling in its wisdom. However I began see two main problems with this philosophy, and that is now my focus.

Firstly, it feeds into our Western ideals of individualism. "Every man for himself", "you can do anything", and the like. We have idolized this idea of making it on your own. Sure you can be well connected, or well married or well-liked, but don't allow those relationships to define you. It should be your individualism that defines you. Dependence on others is regarded as weakness, and I will be the first to admit that I buy into this idea wholeheartedly. But with the West full of individuals struggling to reconcile their friendships, marriages, families and even work relationships with the ever-praised ideal of independence, we have also created another epidemic. The epidemic of loneliness. You can not fully connected to a community and fully independent at the same time.

Perhaps the words of wisdom above speak to the fact that none of these people know how to handle being alone in the correct way and thus are burdened with loneliness? Perhaps. Or perhaps loneliness was a condition that had to first be acknowledged and accepted before a person could truly create aloneness for themselves.

Loneliness, first a passing acquaintance, now a constant companion who will never stand you up.

The second problem I surmise is that there are also those who know only how to be alone. Those who have looked loneliness in the face and refused to be consumed by it, and yet would be liars to call themselves anywhere near immune to it. And these people would sooner say the opposite statement, that it is the inability to be with others that makes them lonely. In other words, "If we do not know how to be in relationship, we will only know how to be lonely." Significantly less poetic, significantly less Western, significantly more basic. I would argue that our relationships do define us. Our love defines us. I cannot believe that our individual traits and talents are meant for our own personal gain. I think it much more likely that I have become a coward in my personalized cave, chosen to have a tea party with loneliness disguised as independence, disguised as strength and maturity disguised as pride.

Therefore I will not disagree with the quote, but simply say that loneliness had seeped its way into the inner circles of our culture, and there's more than one way to gain a deep personal knowledge of it.