Trying My Best

I'm going to be happy for you, because that's what's expected of me. Not that happy describes what I'm feeling right now, but it's what you want me to feel, and I'll pretend that's all that matters for now. Even if I have to paint this smile on, I will try to be happy for you, because that's what you would do for me. Besides, you don't know any better. I would never want to wreck anything for you, just as you would never wreck anything for me. Never purposefully wreck anything for me. I can't put my bitterness on you, you're not to blame. I can't blame you for your ignorance, for my habit of internalizing. It's not your fault, it's mine. You will remain oblivious so you don't carry a burden you don't deserve. I'll stop wishing and hoping for everythign to be different. My dream come true would mean your dream shattered. I will discard the slightest thought of interfering. You deserve this, I guess. You'll be good together, maybe. But there was never any question about it, no matter what, you would have always won.

Life is Funny Sometimes

Life is funny sometimes. It lets you think you've got it almost all figured out, just to prove to you that you actually haven't got the first clue. Life often leads you to believe one thing only for you to be hit hard by something else, something unexpected. Life isn't fair, but there are times when it fools you into thinking it is. Life doesn't let you try things over. It won't slow down and explain things to you. It won't speed things up and let you bypass difficulties. Life promises to always ask you trick questions, and to always throw you curve balls. This isn't the game of life where everyone is guaranteed a stop along the road for schooling, a career, marriage, a home, and a cozy retirement at the end. Life is not a game. Life will try you from different angles. It can make you feel alone and isolated, like a patient with an unknown disease that no one has ever experienced before. Sometimes life can make you feel like what you feel isn't worth saying since everyone's been there before. Life will constantly play with your emotions, and then tell you that what you're feeling is wrong. Life will shuffle your priorities and mess with your thinking. In life, right and wrong will never be as definite as right and left. In life, laughter can be mean and tears can show joy. Lies are often only one step from the truth, and sometimes the truth can be more dreadfully painful than the lie. Life won't give you answers, only more questions. Life is funny sometimes.

Things I Only Wish Were Mine To Remember

Most of the time I'm fine now. The distance has helped, as well as the distractions, it's only an issue now on the rare occasions I'm forced to remember everything. I'm fine as long as no one mentions it, as long as I don't at pictures or overhear conversations. I really don't have a problem so long as I don't listen to music or watch movies or am around people too often. I'm fine as long as I'm not left alone by myself too much. The time between rest and sleep is dangerous as I have very little control over my thoughts then. And in the times I am reminded, everything is vivid, nothing has faded or grown cold. Everything is still bittersweet and unresolved, identical to the last time I was forced to dwell upon it. Eyes locked, piercing me, and I look away, too afraid that you could see my thoughts and make me more transparent. Hands clasped, in comfort, in support, in prayer. Voices, paired with the strumming of a guitar. Smiles that haunt me because I know what they're supposed to look like but can't see them anymore. The laughter will make me break, now and every other time I remember it. The things my mind drags up again and again. The makings of the perfect memory I never quite had.

Rays of Hope

A new dawn approaches, a dawn that has been expected, perhaps even anticipated. With the new dawn comes expectations. Expectations that things will be the same, expectations for things to be different. Expectations that my hopes will be fulfilled. Many of these expectations stem from my subconscious, thoughts I should never let myself wish for, dreams I would never put into audible words. But deep inside, I'm pretty confident that I know what's coming. I mean once you've seen one sunrise you've basically seen them all, and like all early mornings this time of year there's a mist that hangs over everything, disguising it, at least for the first few hours of dawn. I know though that all I have to do is wait a little while until it's time for the sun to make an appearance. Not that it ever really left, it just drifted out of sight for a little while. But when it does reappear, and it will, it will reclaim everything, exposing that which was hidden by the mist, distorted by the only remainder of the night. So, as I wait to see how this new day will play out, I wait with expectations, and though they may not all be met, I have hope that some will be exceeded. I know that hope is often broken but it's also very resilient, and often seems to act on it's own accord. It is the sun that gives me hope and so I rest with the constant assurance of that sun.

One Princess Story

Once upon a time there lived a girl. A girl with big dreams and a wild imagination. The girl often pretended she was a princess and her heart's desire was to one day find her prince. Full of fairy tales and fantasies her life continued. Dreams of wedding gowns and far away castles possessed her thoughts. The girl, now not so much a girl realized that her prince was really taking his time finding her. There were plenty of dragons, but no one to slay them for her. Time passed as it almost always does and there came a time for the girl to put on some armour of her own and fight back the many fire breathing dragons that encircled her. With a shield that was much too heavy and a sword that was not meant for her, she set out. She fought gallantly, and independently, and success greeted her. She returned from battle with scars on her body but pride in her heart. Upon her return she found not one but three charming princes awaiting her. The first was brave and bold, he promised to fight off all of the dragons for her. The second was handsome and hardworking, he showered her with compliments, though he cringed at her scars. The third was wealthy and witty, he told her of his many castles and promised her every luxury. Not one of the princes gained her favour that day. She turned them all down, convinced that there would be a fourth, and she waited once more. For the rest of her life she waited, but another prince never came.

Family Situation

They live in their grandma's basement. They've had it rough you could say. Sheets and laundry divide the rooms. Space is a little tight. Eight cords are plugged into the outlet. Extension cords run everywhere. The temperature sits at about 62' F in the winter. Single beds pushed together, one sleeps on a floor mattress, one sleeps on the couch. Fans run constantly to diminish the smell that emanates from the carpet and the floor itself. One car sits in the driveway, three people have to go to work. The gas meter is nearing empty, I wonder when there will be money to fill it up, or time. The family is patched and frayed, the hard times bringing out the best, but also the worst. There's been alot of the latter recently. Depression isn't a temporary condition, it's a lifestyle. Dad can't hold a job, but it's not his fault. Mom's job doesn't pay the bills. Grandma's helped too much already, and two teenage boys have been through way too much. They haven't exactly grown up though, they've tried almost everything, and I wonder how that will effect their lives later. If they lean on each other they all fall, if they stick it out on their own, they fall apart. They're just your average family, with extraordinary dreams that have been put on hold. Aspiring musicians, passionate missionaries, talented, loving, striving individuals. The plastered smiles, the rehearsed answers. The bible verses are posted throughout the house. Their only hope, God where are you now? Help your children.

You Can't Hear Me Now

The words smudged in black ink
The words don't have time to sink in
I'm stronger on paper
No sword's quite as sharp as my pen
But nothing that I write
Will change the fact that you were right mistaken
I'm sick of false hope
And there's nothing left to write again

After tonight what's the point in these letters
After tonight where's the power in these words
After tonight I will always remember
Nothing I say now will ever be heard

The laughter is missing
The laughing and kissing is gone
The good times are short lived
The days all seem three times too long
I'll stay here forever
In silence it goes on and on and on
And not that it matters
But I thought I mattered, I'm wrong

After tonight what's the point in these letters
(Now I stand here asking why)
After tonight where's the power in these words
(There's nothing left so I cry)
After tonight I will always remember
(I never could forget you)
Nothing I say now will ever be heard
(You can't hear me)

Nothing I do
Is ever gonna change you
Never gonna change your mind
And all the self assurance
In the world can't buy me
One more second of time

After tonight what's the point in these letters
(Now I stand here asking why)
After tonight where's the power in these words
(There's nothing left so I cry)
After tonight I will always remember
(I never could forget you)
After tonight nothing I say will ever be heard
(You can't hear me)

You can't hear me
You can't hear me.....now