Tragedy

Oh pretty girl, you were not meant for this. Wipe your eyes and melt your heart. For now just let it hurt. Oh pretty girl, these words were never meant to come from your mouth, your heart was never meant to feel this. Oh pretty girl, this bitterness does not become you. Rise above the hatred and the insults and the grudges. Above the blaming and the lying and the drama, and revenge. You are more than this version of yourself. You are stronger and better than all of this. I know you think you are weak, and that's its too hard, and you are, and it is. But you know someone who can bring out the absolute best in you, a version of yourself that glows and improves everyday. Sometimes I think you forget this. Sometimes I wonder if you forget that you know someone who can make you that better person, a stronger person, a person strong enough to face even this impossible task that I've presented you with. Oh pretty girl, I wish you could see yourself clearly. I wish for just one moment you could truly see your own beauty and not question it, dissect it, or deny it. Do not let them taint you. Do not let them poison your compassionate heart or cause you to cry. You are created for so much more than this. Your value extends far beyond what you may feel in this moment, far beyond what you've ever been told. Oh pretty girl, rise above the ugliness of this world.

To Hell with Subtlety

Most days I think we've got this. Most days I think that its inevitable, and I'm just waiting for you to figure it out. Some days you impress me, some days I'll look into your eyes and see something there. But there are other days, other times when you've forced me to second guess myself. Days when I wonder if you're actually as oblivious as you sometimes appear.
I know we're friends. I know you trust me. But is that it, is that all? I know that other people see it. I don't think I can just be the advice giver. I don't know if I can continue to play the carefree friend. I don't know why you keep giving me hope, and I'm not sure if I keep asking for it.
I can't understand your life or where its going. I can't understand your heart or what it wants. I can't understand your mind or what you're thinking, mostly. But sometimes I see you really trying to figure life out, sometimes I see you going for love and I get it, sometimes I'm able to finish your sentences, or even speak your thoughts out loud.
To the one who lacks initiative, when we've spent two hours talking alone, and we've both poured out parts of our hearts, and we're walking back together, that would be an appropriate time to hold my hand. To the one who needs a clue, when we're walking in the rain, side by side, and I'm without and umbrella, the appropriate gesture would be to share yours, even if I swear I'm fine. To the one I can't stop thinking about, after you've openly admitted your reluctance for physical contact, and later pulled me into a hug that I never asked for, the appropriate follow up action may include a coffee and another good long chat.
These are just several examples of things I really should tell you, but I won't. I'm scared, and you've got me, and I hate it, in part. I hate not knowing what's going to happen, or not happen. I don't know my plan, and I don't know God's plan, and I don't know if you've ever had a plan in your life. But I know that when I look into your eyes, I wish I didn't have to look away so soon. I know that when your arms are around me, I feel your reluctance to let go and I wish I didn't have to make myself pull away. I know that when you say my name, everything inside me smiles, but I also know that my face shows you indifference, and I wish it didn't have to be that way. And I know that you don't know any of this, but I kinda wish you did.

I Can't Watch This

Dear God, do you remember that one time I prayed that prayer? You know, the one about messing with someones life a bit. The one about something heartbreaking and life changing? Ya, I thought you might remember. Well, I take it back, I take it all back. I take back the "this would be best for them"s, and the "afterwards they would finally get it"s. Because this is not what I had in mind, this is not what I asked for. I can't watch them struggle with this and bravely find the strength that I"m not even sure I would be able to find. Its too hard, especially with this on my conscience. So if I had anything to do with this I immediately withdraw my support. And I withdraw my call for any other events of this nature. I didn't realize that it would hurt me too. Because I really care, not in the same way I used to, but enough. Please God reverse the direction these events seem to be taking.

This?

I would just like to inform you that this isn't the end of the world. I would just like to inform you that this is not something worth falling apart over. There are certain things that are worth that, you know of some too, but this, this isn't one of them. After everything that has happened, can you still not put your problems in perspective? Can't you find an ounce of strength to face this molehill? Step back, take a breath and then step up. This is life, live it. Sometimes everything just isn't enough to make you happy. Sometimes all the friends in the world aren't enough to break through your own self pity. I would just like to inform you that its time to grow up.

Doors

I feel yet again that peaceful indifference. The slow creeping numbness after a surrender. There is certainly a part of me that mourns. For it has been like watching the swinging of a door in a summer breeze.
In a room of open windows, the door opens minutely, only to slowly retreat and brush against its frame, then to be pulled open once more, wider, before rushing back into place. Such has been the upheaval of one part of my life, but as I am able to compartmentalize, all other aspects remain mainly intact, untouched. And just as there is the sound of rushing wind to warn of a slamming door, there was equally, in comparison, enough warning to prepare for the onslaught of such emotions. Yet, to be honest, I have rarely felt less emotional; whether that be due to my overwhelming fatigue, overall loss of interest, or possession of a heart two sizes too small, I can only speculate.
There is another image, again involving a door, that also comes to mind. I am racing through a maze, hitting dead end after dead end, when finally I see a door. As I run and reach to open it, I realize that this too is a dead end, a painted door. A clever illusion that now silently mocks me. If this were a dream, I would at this point wake up short of breath, seeing that I was very alone in an impossible maze with an infinite number of choices and no solution.
I can learn from this however, learn to avoid the door in the maze, and though I will always retain a small measure of hope, I refuse to set myself up for disappointment. It is easier to walk into a blank and uninviting wall and change course, but it is ever so much more difficult to be tempted by an irresistible possibility and turn your back on it. And if the maze does prove to be unsolvable, I will have to find humour in that, and content myself with exploring each and every corner of that labyrinth instead of only searching for an exit.
Parallel to this, if I instead find myself distracted by a soft wind playing on the hinges of a real door, I must learn to avert my eyes. For while the door will likely not remained permanently closed, I should not expect it to remain permanently open either.

One Weak

Up on the fifth floor I step off the elevator, it's the first room on the left. The familiar apartment that is neither a house nor a home. Back again, not that it was a choice. There are days when I wonder if this was the right choice in the first place. Or maybe that's not quite it, because I don't think this was a wrong choice. I'm just not sure it was the best choice.

I sleep in on Monday. Half the day is gone, the week is half a day shorter. My afternoon swim wakes me up, but I have to control my thoughts while I'm swimming otherwise I miss you. Monday's psych lecture is dreaded every week. Two and a half hours of daydreaming. Freud's idea of subconscious wish fulfillment. Yes, Monday is the worst. I miss you the most on Monday.

Then there's Tuesday, such a long day, no time to daydream in class. But then there's my evening swim and when my focus is gone I can see you clearly in my mind. And then at night, you're right behind my eyelids and I dream of you the clearest on Tuesday.

On Wednesday I fill my day with chores and errands. I make my way through a pile of dishes and laundry. Work is a welcome distraction on Wednesday, and at the end of the day I'm exhausted. I try to forget you the most on Wednesday.

Thursday is my last four classes, and suitcase packing, and a car ride home infused with every song that reminds me of you. But sometimes Thursday doesn't come until Friday, so then sometimes Thursday is the hardest. You are at the foremost front of my mind on Thursday.

And when the weekend comes I am relieved and also anxious, because what do I have to look forward to but a million more Mondays of missing you, Tuesdays of picturing you, Wednesdays of forgetting you, and Thursdays of remembering you.

It amazes me how well I do get through most weeks. I'm caught off guard by my moments of weakness. This week I was weak. Maybe next weak will be different.

A Miny Epiphany

There was a time when the immensity of it all would have scared me. There was a time when I was only at peace with what I'd already known or expected. but, time changes things, as does a global perspective in this case., and the immensity of life doesn't seem quite as intimidating anymore. It no longer seems like an earth stopping tragedy if my plans don't turn out the way I expect them too. And what I know is so pathetic in comparison to what I have yet to learn. For the longest time I have been living my life trying to stay within the shadow of a future I cannot predict nor control. My long term goals and dreams have always been solid, well defined, practically carved in stone. What has really been missing was short term goals, things that motivate me from day to day. things that keep me living in the moment, as opposed to wishing it was 5 years down the road. I feel closer now than ever to understanding what it is to live with purpose. I finally feel like the main character in my life. I plan to no longer meet people's expectations, I plan to dismiss them or surpass them. I plan to get rid of the plan. Nothing ever goes according the plan anyways. So I'm going to play it by ear and by heart.