All the Small Things

We're both overreacting, and misinterpreting almost everything. The difference is, you know nothing, and I have the whole picture. So who's the bigger idiot? Don't answer that.

Helplessness

These words means nothing
Intention missing
And I can't help you
I can only listen while you speak excuses and denial
Just one casualty
A war not my own
My smile a grimace
An act not condoned by me or anymore who cares
I promise I'm calm
For you, for now
Thought I could help
But I was very very wrong
The iceberg's tip
All you can see
But I'm underwater
With the other 93 percent of it
Stop.

This is Like a Metaphor

I've never had my heart truly broken. I'll admit to my inability to claim relation to that degree of emotional pain. I've never had my heart ripped in two or had a hole burned through it. The most I can claim is that pieces have slowly been chipped away. It is slowly being whittled down, chiseled away at the edges. The first few chips came off easy, almost naturally. Any severe pain was likely imagined. When exfoliating your skin, it is refreshing and necessary for a layer to come off. Maybe my heart needed to be exfoliated. Maybe that was healthy. However, as more of my heart is slowly chipped at, it seems more raw. I am scraped and it almost draws blood. Legitimate discomfort, hints of pain. Hearts are glass. When broken, the glass shatters, and all the tiny pieces sparkles with a strange beauty, and the glass is still glass. My heart feels like it's been tossed about in an ocean. Slowly being sanded down. Gradually being eroded. When it washes up on shore and someone cares to look, it is hardly recognizable. Smooth and opaque, more closely resembling stone. So I believe this is a different kind of misfortune all together. It cannot be called a heartbreak, although my heart hurts. It is not a deep stab or a clean break. It is more of a constant throbbing shallow wound. When a bone breaks it must be reset, sometimes painfully and immobilized for a period of time. But then it can heal, practically as good as before. With this throbbing, like a headache, all that can be done is pop a painkiller and know that the ache will always come back. My heart is a piece of wood being carved, how long until it is finished? My heart is scraped, how many more layers until I start to bleed? My heart is a rock, how long until I can't tell the difference? My heart is a headache, how long until the next wave?

to be released of pressure, an outlet (venting)

How amazing is that? The person I sometimes can't stand is also the person I can't stand to stay away from. It's kind of like an addiction. I know it will screw me over in the ending, it's like smoking, what good can ever come of it? But it's too hard to fight the pull back to it right now. It's kind of like McDonalds, or your favourite childhood restaurant. The food is terrible, nutritionally and otherwise, but you still get these cravings that must be satisfied. Only to realize once they're satisfied, that it really wasn't worth the rotting stomach feeling you get a few hours afterwards. This is how I feel about you. I am sorry I will never be the best for you. I am sorry I can't win your praise and approval by being the best at anything. You refuse to acknowledge mediocrity, and I guess I have always fallen into that category. That is part of the problem. You categorize people and you are bad at it. You are especially bad at getting an accurate reading from girls. You have never gotten an accurate reading on me, but you're convinced otherwise. I am not any of the things you have once classified me as. I am not uptight, or lazy, or desperate or needy. I am not in love, or seeking your love. I don't need your approval. Acceptance would be nice though. That would be possible if you accept the fact that you are wrong about a few things. Not likely, I know. I also know how your life is going to play out. Because I, unlike you am quite good at reading people. Because I, unlike you take the time to understand. Did you ever notice who dominates the conversation? Did you ever once reciprocate a question out of more than politeness? I think you are going to meet a girl in a few years. She is going to be too good for you on so many levels. She is not going to be interested in you and that's going throw you for a loop. So you're going to have to work really hard to show her that you're a worthwhile guy. You're going to try to impress her, and you're going to embarrass yourself in the process. And somewhere along the way you're going to discover humility, and you're going to start putting her before yourself. In time, she'll see she loves you back. You'll continually ask yourself how you ever got so lucky, and you both will live happily ever after. I'll give it 7 years max for it to all play out. I'll be expecting a wedding invitation. You can thank me later. I think I would be considerably less frustrated with you if you changed a few things. If your actions lined up with your rock solid convictions that would be good. If you let the Sun be at the centre of the solar system for a minute that would be excellent. And if you could take the 2 by 4 out of your own eye that would be great so then I wouldn't have to worry about getting slivers when I am around you. But seeing as how you will not change until my former prediction comes true, I will just keep loving you for who you are and giving in to the overwhelming urge to spend time with you.

October Dream Journal

October 7th - Joel and I were being chased around the breezeway of our house by a rattlesnake that looked like a garter snake. We cut off it's head, but then it's head kept jumping up and trying to bite us

October 18th - I got a $6 haircut that made my hair naturally curl into barrel curls. I got the haircut while sitting in my Dad's office in his chair

October 21st - Laurel hacked my Facebook account and sent all my contacts messages in French

October 22nd-Bobby and Tracey drove around 5 children without booster seats
- Jeremy tries out for school entertainer and must juggle balloons and slide across a linoleum floor
- Cam, Bobby, Joel and I are in the upstairs of my old church building. We find an old lady dressed as a clown playing guitar in the corner

October 23rd - Val and I were lectured because we rolled our eyes
- Andrew Hiebert, Olivia, Taylor Lautner, Val and I were being screened at the YMCA to become lifeguards. Part of the screening involved going yo a department store and putting different coloured tape on the support columns to show were different swim classes should meet.